wordless wednesday

The real deal about Christmas

As I stood in line at Best Buy yesterday while my 9 year old threw a tantrum about not getting any money for Christmas, I decided that I was done with the holiday spirit!  Ughhh, i know, i know.  its not what most people blog about, its not all gingerbread men and mistle toe.  But let's face it people, children are children! I took a deep breath and ignored the bad behavior while the rest of the people in line glanced at me from the corner of their eyes.  I know that those who have children, understood and those that didn't... oh well! After we finished paying for our items we headed off to the supermarket, where I left them both in the car.  Yup, mommy needed a time out, but still had to get the essentials for the house.  Needless to say, upon my return, all attitudes had changed.  (I guess sitting in the car without heat or the radio will give you some time to think about things).

I can hear what you are thinking... Christmas is a joyous time of the year! I don't want to come across all Bah humbug, we did have some nice moments of decorating Christmas ornaments, eating lots of cookies and singing some holiday songs.  The oldest, however, is in that stage of awkwardness where he doesn't want to let anyone know he is having a good time! But we dragged him into it!

The younger too, also enjoyed their gifts from Santa and stealing candy canes. Mr. Mr. really liked the lights on the Christmas tree!

The tree came down yesterday, and the toys have been sorted and put away.  There are a few cookies left and as the new year approaches, I am glad it only comes once a year!

It's beginning to look a lot like ....

I've been very quiet over here and over at Lessons From Walker, not because I haven't had much to say, but because I've lacked the time to sit and type it out.  My head is spinning, with a new job, moving back to our old house and all the usual running around with four children.

Today, though, I had to write because I've been feeling very conflicted about the whole "black friday"  hype. I have never done the "Black Friday" shopping, I have friends that make a sport out of it, but personally, i just don't like shopping that much.  Normally, I wouldn't even know what deals were out there but this year funds are a little tighter than usual.  I found myself conflicted with trying to fill Santa's sled with all the items on my boys lists and the empty wallet syndrome as of late. As the time wore on yesterday I was on a roller coaster of decision, yes I was going, no I was not.  It was an internal dialog but in the end, i stayed home.   

It seems that year after year, the sales start earlier and are pumped up to be the event of the season.  TV commercials show women cross training to be ready for the sales, and I can't help but ask myself, is this really what Christmas has become?

I'm not about to go up on a soap box and go on about the true meaning of Christmas because quite frankly, I'm not sure what it means to me.  So from now until December 25th, I hope to embark on a personal journey to find a true meaning for me and my family.  Stay tuned.....

Work for the Soul

I have been back to work for almost a month now, and I must say it is so good for my soul!  Three years ago I stopped working and concentrated on being a mother to  my very special son.  I didn't know at the time just how special he was, I just knew that I couldn't comprehend leaving him in the hands of anyone else. But I'm not really good at my job as a stay at home mom  Its hard to be, when you feel like its a prison sentence.  People don't understand that its has nothing to do with my love of my children, husband or home.  It has everything to do with my love for me. I am not trivializing the women that adore their job as mom, honestly, I just don't think i cut the mustard.  So with my lack of self confidence as a provider for them full time, I need outside confirmation of my worth.  I also just love to interact with the general public and take away those experiences to make me a better mom.  The store that I am working at has a very ecliptic merchadise line and so are is the clientele.  Its amazing to me how comfortable people feel when they walk through our doors and share their lives with us.  Although my home life is not a big secret, I chose not to share that I have a special needs child often because I don't want that to be my definition. Yet, I can't help but be shaped by it and those that I meet.

Two weeks ago a women came to the store in search of Bob Marley things.  She was looking for her adult son who has autism.  She was so proud to talk about a TV show called The World of Jenks.The show featured her son and what its like to live with autism.  I wrote down the name and went home and DVR'd it.  What impressed me was how open and honest she was with us by telling us how uncomfortable she initially was with having a TV crew in her apartment and how worried she was about how her son would react.  Later that week I was able to see the episode and it was great! 

A week ago I met a woman in the store that was shopping for her daughter. She was enjoying Sawyer's antics around the store, touching all the jewelry and pulling things off the shelves.  We got talking about her life as a single mom and I was really feeling like I could relate to her.  She went on to tell me about her ex husband and how he now has remarried and has a son with CP.  She told me that the boy was really sweet but for her ex, what goes around comes around.  I wasn't mad, I just took in the information and let it settle.  It really has settled in!  I have been mulling this over in my head for the past week, wondering if there are many people that think this?  Do people truly believe that when a child with special needs is born, its because of some karmic force affecting the parents? then I realized, of course they do!  Parents who have special needs children think about this as well!  I honestly have wondered if there was something in my life or past lives that triggered this outcome for him. I know in my head that this is not the case, but emotions can run high when it comes to matters of the heart. 

Yesterday I had a father and son come in looking to get tie-dye t-shirts for their friends overseas.  The father was in his 60's and the son was in his 40's.  As we went through the racks the son hung back and just looked around the store.  After selecting the shirts that he wanted, the father handed them to his son and said please hold.  His son replied "please hold, please hold".  I then recognized that he was mentally retarded. After they left, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wondering if one day that could be Walker.  I would love to be able to take him shopping and have him pick out his own tie-dye shirt!

The atmosphere in the store is one of tolerance and compassion.  I take my home to work and my work home. Its a great fit and it feeds my soul.

Back to school....

"it's the most wonderful time of the year!" envision the commercial where the usual Christmas tune is in the back ground of parents swinging grocery carts around the aisle and instead of toys their carts are full of notebooks and pencils.  Yes, it's back to school!!!!

I had three children to get up and get ready to return to school  It never fails, the first week of school is always a scorching 90some odd degrees!  Mason headed out to the bus stop at 6:45am.  Dylan and I were granted the privilege of walking him to the stop but were not given permission to stay and wait it out!  I was not allowed to take any pictures nor kiss him good bye.  Middle school is serious business!

Next out the door was Walker.  He had only had two weeks off so this wasn't so traumatic for him!  He was very excited and ate all of his breakfast and was singing away! All of us, Poo, Daddy, Dylan and I walked him up to the bus stop and watched  him get on.  We even sent him without his binky which is a HUGE deal!! His notebook said he had a great day and even worked on an apple project.

Poo and I drove Dylan in to school and walked him into his classroom.  He was very anxious to get there and had been up since 5:30am when his brother got up to get ready. He was so happy to meet his teacher and stay in the Minisink school where he knew most of his classmates!



As for Poo, she wasn't to sure about everyone leaving and was a little sad.  Time with mommy hasn't really sunk in since we spent most of the day running errands and doing things that we have never been able to do, just her and I! Here she is playing peek a boo, popping up from the floor while we wait to get Walker off the bus.

Bitter sweet

Yesterday my father signed off on the sale of his business.  It was never a "family" business but it certainly was a family affair.  After almost 15 years, the local pub will now belong to someone other than my dad.  It has so many emotions tied up with it for me, that it truly is bitter sweet. 

At age 21, I begged my father for a job bar-tending.  It took some convincing since he and I hadn't always had the best relationship.  He finally agreed to give me a shot and I was determined to be the best employee he had!  There was something about working for my dad that made me want to impress him the most.  Growing up we both dealt with each other on a "business like" level. I knew that working for him, would not afford me any type of extra privilege, in fact, it just meant that I would have to work that much harder for his approval.  After a year or so of working for him, I moved on to a marriage and children.  I had spent my fair share of Sunday afternoons inside a dark and smokey bar.

Years later I had reached a cross road in my life and wanted to taste the night life that I was sure I missed out on.  I ended up in the one place that I felt was somewhat safe and comfortable to unwind. As my future career plans shifted I once again found myself asking my father for a job.

For three years I lived a double life.  Mother and full time student during the week, and party till early morning girl on the weekends.  Large amounts of cigarettes and alcohol were consumed but it also supported me and my two children so I could return to college and get my BA degree.  I met my husband there and many great people.  I also have seen the dark side of many others, and the hours and drama associated with alcohol really began to take a toll on me.  Add in the emotional component of working for ones family and I was soon burnt out.

Its been a few years since I have been a regular back there.  I've saved my visits for a few occasions in which I thought it was my family obligation to attend. When people asked why I didn't buy the business from my dad or how come he was selling it, my only answer is "its a tough business".  There are not enough words to explain how the atmosphere can suck you in and change who you are or who you want to be.

Looking back my emotions are bitter sweet.  I am raising a toast to a place that gave me my new life and reminds me of how far I have come.  I am thankful for its place in my history and happy that it is where it will stay.  "cheers to the Back Track"  and I will finish my cup coffee now.  

 

Motherhood fantasy #36

I'm achy, sore and just plain tired.  Too many nights without sleep, too many mornings to have to get up and get moving before I can even get a sip of coffee has left me feeling depleted. To make matters worse, today is Sunday and the hubby is out working. So our "family" day is out the window.  It feels like I could use an espresso this morning, and I hate espresso! I've had the television on for 45 minutes and my mommy guilt has kicked in.  Laundry needs to be done, my floors haven't been washed in weeks, beds need to be changed but I am ready for a nap and its only  8:33am. My mother always reminds me that "this too shall pass", but on mornings like this it doesn't feel like I can make it through till then!  So for the next 15 minutes, I will add a little Baileys creamer (don't worry its non alcoholic) and meditate on this picture.... I can almost feel those hands on my back and the cushion of the table under me.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh  

A Sunday Hike

In my quest to lose some weight and just become a healthier person, I talked my hubby into going for a hike in the glorious Minnawaska Moutains nearby.  Yes, i had to talk him into it, because on his day off, exercise isn't really a top priority.  The man does manual labor everyday of his life, so he doesn't really see the need to add steps on his pedometer, but he is a man who loves the woods.

We headed out not knowing exactly what to expect, it had been years since I was last there, and honestly was under the influence of some natural herbal supplements that my memories are a little foggy.  but as we headed down the trail, the beauty of this place filled me.  I don't think it matters how many times you go , it is breathtaking each time!

We walked down the path to the falls, and for a Sunday afternoon, I was surprised that more people weren't out.  Hubby reminded me that there is a lake on top, where most people would go to enjoy a hot July afternoon.  So all the better! 

With Poo on my back and daddy holding Mr. Mr. it wasn't too bad on the way down.  But we timed it all wrong and as the minute hand turned to 1:00pm, Mr. Mr. was ready for a nap.  Plus he had a full belly and with all the bumping while walking, it was starting to come up again, so we had to make our hike short and head back. 

As we headed back up the hill, and I mean, UP the hill, Mr. Mr. decided that since he had the most comfortable ride he would take it upon himself to snooze right there!

Must be nice!
Not sure what we will do in a short while since the boy keeps growing and eating!

The thick or thin of it

I have a love hate relationship with my body image.  Some days, I am "happy to be me" no matter what size I am because I believe that strong personal confidence is much more healthy on the soul than muscle mass.  But then other days i long for that skinny me, that I know is hiding in there somewhere! I have seen her in the past and I like her.  She looks super cute in hippy sundresses and skorts.  Also, the Calvin Kline jeans that I paid $60 bucks for are worth every penny on a tight ass.

Now i am not about to go on a rant about all the diets I have tried, because that would be a down out lie!  Truthfully, I have only really done one diet, Weight Watchers and it worked really, really well! The reason it works is only because it controls portion sizes, helps you eat a balanced diet and makes you track not only what you eat but your progress.  This diet (they don't want it called a diet, its really a life style) only works, and I stress, only works if you stick to program and if you are honest with yourself.

Sticking to the program is a problem when your social life centers around food like ours does.  We eat out a lot and have really gotten into the habit of bad food choices on a regular basis. (hence why I am bigger than I have ever been!) So the toughest part is getting out of those habits and creating new ones.  Its not just me that has to change its a household. 

This week i have already begun to hear the "there's nothing in the house" groans as my two tweens have searched for their perfect snack and have only found the fruit and vegetables that I purchased instead of the oreos and chips that usually fill my cabinets. 

Its only the second week so we shall see how progress goes.  I have calculated that I have to be on "program" for a full year to lose the weight that I want to lose.  I guess then it will truly be a life style change.

A Walk on the Moon

Today while channel surfing while nursing Miss Poo, I came across a movie I never heard of.  It intrigued me since it took place during Woodstock and thought, why not. 

Okay, so its totally a girlie movie, but the sound track rocked!  It also made me cry... a lot....

For the rest of the day, I kept thinking about it and not sure if I should like it or not, because in truth I hate the idea of adultery, but a small part of me, understood why the wife did what she did.   I think everyone who is married could understand a small piece of it, since it is so easy to get caught up in the daily routine, the mundane.... who doesn't fantasize about running away and being carefree?  Its nothing against my husband, honestly a girl really can't do better than he, but somedays life as a movie doesn't seem so bad.  It didn't help that the sex scenes were incredible and the co -star was hot.

but lets face it, life isn't a movie and its really the normal everyday stuff that is hard. Sticking through that is the wonder of marriage and what strengthens character.  A while back I quoted a television show that the main character said "romance is easy, its the parent teacher conferences that are tough"... so true....   

There's no crying in baseball

I know that sports are a great learning experience for children, but with the close of this season of baseball fast approaching, I am ready to throw in the towel! My two older boys have been playing baseball since they could swing a bat.  Their father, was the baseball king in his high school and therefore has high hopes that one of his boys will take over his thrown. The first few years they play are great, everyone gets to play each position, parents are just happy to enjoy a good game and there is little to no pressure.  But as they get older, it becomes more competitive which in turn puts the pressure on the kids.  For my middle guy, this isn't such a big deal, if he strikes out or misses a ball he can easily shrug it off and stay in the game.  for my oldest guy, who is a type A personality, this is not the case.  He is his own worse enemy.  It breaks my heart to see him try so hard and then get so discouraged when one thing doesn't go his way. The kids on the team, are also hard on each other, and if the game is going badly, forget it!

How am I supposed to stand by and watch him just feel defeated?  I keep encouraging him, but he looks at me like I am making it worse! I know I'm just the "mom" but I want to help him up from that dark place of self doubt!  I tell him I am proud of him and that his best is all that I ask for!  But its a long ride home, with the recount of all his mistakes and not hearing one word of praise from me!  I just want him to enjoy the game again! I know this is part of the learning process... it just stinks!

A day to sell

It was the official yard sale of the year today.  My mother and I have one every year, and usually a sister or two join in.  This year we held it at our old house, hoping to generate some traffic to it since its been on the market for 6 months with no real interest. (more on that later)

Yard sales are a lot of work.  For the past two weeks I have been going through things setting stuff aside, tagging it with prices etc.  Its really a process for anyone who has small hording issues like those that run in my family.  As my mother says, "historically people were either hunters or gatherers, in our family, we must have been gatherers". So after making the decision to truly get rid of my maternity and baby clothes (again, this is a whole other blog worthy topic!)  I also went through those last few boxes from when we moved that I haven't gotten around to unpacking.

So this morning I was up bright and early, packing the last few boxes and headed over to meet my mother and sister.  As the day began, it was looking very promising.  We had put an ad in the paper and hung up signs and there were a few other local yard sales to draw more attention.  There is a whole sociological study that can be done just around yard sales and the people who shop them or those that host.

• the early birds - who know that you posted a specific time to start but disregard it in hopes that they will be the first to find that "treasure"
• the antique hunters
• the allowance shoppers - they have a set amount of money that they allow themselves to spend and have to figure out if they blow it all in one spot is it worth it incase the next place there is something better.
• no yard sale is complete without the hagglers (my family and I are not good with these people, we won't haggle... just take it!)

Then there is the whole psychology of us sellers.  Throughout the whole day my mother, sisters and I will shop on each others stuff. (we used to pay each other but over the years we just say - take it - its yours)

The best are the items that we really don't want to part with so we price them just a little to high, hoping that no one will really buy it, but we can pretend that we tried to get rid of it!

The weather turned out beautiful, the kids that attended were really well behaved and all in all, we made a few bucks and spent some quality time with each other.  The end result - we did good enough to call it a day, but not good enough to stretch it out for another day!

Doggie tails

Come on by and stay for awhile, don't mind the dog hair attached to your pants.... i can't seem to get rid of it, so I might as well make it a fashion statement.  This time of year, last year, I took the mutts to be "groomed".  Now i have nothing against those of you who do this for your dog regularly, but i have the no maintenance kind of mutts, but with one being part boarder collie, a good shave early in the season is a good idea.

This year, i couldn't quite figure out how I would get it done, with two children and two dogs who cumulatively outweigh me, I was thinking it wasn't going to get done this year... but then there was the stench. The gotta roll in whatever dead thing they find, stench.. gotta love the country dog!

Then i came across Roaming Rovers. She came right to my house and groomed the beasts.  It was GREAT! But Kawi didn't really think so,





Duke was pretty good about it, just a little whining.

The best part, there was no cleanup, she just drove off!

Not far from the tree

Things my mother did, that I find myself now doing as well:

1. using a flash light to look in my pantry closet
2. putting random children's things on the stairs to their room
3. using rubber bands as cabinet child proof devices
4. throwing shoes up the stairs to my children's room
5. composting
6. singing orders to my children instead of yelling

I guess it could be worse!
Love you mom!

My Me Day

~Living with less is more~ this was the message that I took away yesterday from my day at Kadampa Mediation Center.

I am not really sure what led me there, maybe it was a good friend who had recently taken a weekend to get back to herself that made me start thinking, or maybe it is the hectic month that we are about to embark on with Walker.I just think that there must have been some reason for the flier to be hanging in the Corner Deli in Westtown last week.

I wasn't really sure what to expect, the flier advertised a day of meditation and it just sounded really, really good! I knew I could use some Peace!

It was a very positive experience and just what I needed.  I have never been one to practice any particular religion. Sure we celebrated Christmas and Easter but we never attended Church or studied the bible.  My limited experience with religion has come from my friends and their families. I don't think that I have been missing something. There has never been a need to find "the path" but there are many underlying questions about my existence and purpose that I often wonder about.  Having Walker has heightened those thoughts.

Living with less, experiencing more - how very true!  In our current financial circumstances this is really  a great idea, instead of worrying about everything we lack or don't have - I am going to embrace all that we do have!

Snowed In

The custody arrangement with my ex-husband has been very liberal since we first separated.  Currently, the boys spend the weekends with their dad and then Monday- Friday with me which means that I don't get much down time with them, its strictly all business... baths, homework, school.  This week, with the storm and the whole county at a stand still I got to finally spend some time with them.  The first day was rough, I have to admit, there was a lot of fighting amongst the boys, and a lot of me, losing my patience! I struggle each day to keep our routine here with Walker and Sawyer.  It has been a way to head off any issues with Walker and keep my sanity. So with Mason and Dylan home, I was out of sync and wrapped up in being aggravated with the other things going on in my life. 

By day two, I awoke and decided that I could make the day go good or bad, it was up to me, the mom (I also got to watch a few episodes of Super Nanny the night before so I was inspired!)  Yes, they still had to get their chores done, but that day I offered up incentives that we would do an art project when they were finished. 

I am not very artistic, but I do think some days I can be creative. So after the chores were done (with no bickering) we got out a bunch of old magazines, scissors, glue and some scrape book stock paper. At first they weren't sure what to do, since I told them that they could create whatever they wanted, so I gave them some ideas and they were able to come up with what they wanted to do!

Mason's ideas were inspired by an advertisement that had little pictures of kids toys, GI Joe men, slinky and various other things... He titled his picture "RANDOM"

Dylan came up with an underwater theme and found some great orange and black prints to make his Nemo. Then he used a picture of a nickle, a ball, a head of lettuce and other round objects to make bubbles.

 

The best part was spending an hour and half with my boys without anyone fighting (Dylan did have to complain that Mason got the better magazines of course!) but  we had fun and I got to enjoy the sense of humor that they are each developing!

The Best Thing

Write Out Loud Topic this week is from the Crazy Hip Bloggers is The Best Thing.  In the funk that I have been in of late, this topic really has good timing, because its easy to get in this ruts and think that everything is crap, that the world is crap, that you look like crap that your house is crap..crap,crap, crap.  So it is good to take time and think about what is really the Best Thing in your life at any given moment.  Normally I would take the easy way out and blog about my children, and how great they are (they really are despite my rantings on here!) and I already did a blog about my husband, but I find myself in a place that is unfamiliar to me.  Not really sure why its unfamilar, maybe just that in the past I haven't really allowed myself to recognize it.  Right now the best thing in my life is my family, not my nuclear family but my mom and dad and sisters.  Recently, there has been an huge effort on all of their parts to really step up and help us out. Maybe its been my cries for help on line, or the fact that they never really get to see me, or that an increase in medication has been ordered (just kidding) but each one has really been a huge help to me!  Each member has contributed in the best way that they are able!  I cannot thank them all enough!!  Yes, its been a little uncomfortable accepting help and asking for it, but it feels really good to know that they all are becoming a consistant part of my children's lives!   

Duke's Antics

Take it Tuesday topic from The CrazyHipBloggers is Animal Antics.  This was a hard call, since I consider all of my children and my husband animals often. But today I figured I would blog about the real animals in my house, and antics is something that Duke takes to new levels, considering he is almost 100 lbs and thinks he is a human!  Often his whinning in the back ground can be heard and people think its one of the babies!!  Here he is looking out our new house window.. not that he really wants to go out there, because its cold... but just so he can make sure he doesn't miss a thing! He thinks this chair is his and my husband has to wrestle him for it!

Duke

Dear firewood customer

Dear Firewood customer:

We are happy to supply you with this load of firewood but before we unload it piece by piece please be advised of the following:

• our fire wood comes from trees that are outdoors
• our firewood is stored outdoors - no warehouse
• it is rained on, and snowed on so may be wet
• bugs love seasoned wood
• wood may be dirty 
• wood can cause splinters when handled
• a cord of wood measures 4 x 4 x 8 when stacked... there is an extra charge for stacking
• we have no return policy once wood is burned

If you don't understand or agree with these conditions, please do not have us unload the wood and please do not recomend us to your friends.

Sincerely,  Firewood seller

Walking in our Neighborhood

After a full week of being shut inside unpacking, organizing and cleaning I felt that the warm weather was a sign that me and the babies needed to get out and get some fresh air. We've been in our new house a full week, and hadn't yet investigated our neighborhood, plus I have this awesome jogging stroller that I seriously need to put some miles on!! So off we set:

We saw cows, met the neighborhood dogs and waved to a few people. It really is interesting what you see when you get out and walk! There was one creapy trailer that had organ music playing "Its a small world after all", so I made a mental note not to let the boys go trick or treating there!
we also discovered a small stream, and some really cool trees.(we get excited over trees in our house!)

I must say that I underestimated the size of the hill!! It was apparent that my one night a week Zumba class just isn't enough!

But the best part was coming down our driveway to see our house, a house that represents new beginnings and feels good to be coming home to!