Taking the long way around

The Long Way Around"

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

~ Dixie Chicks

Work for the Soul

I have been back to work for almost a month now, and I must say it is so good for my soul!  Three years ago I stopped working and concentrated on being a mother to  my very special son.  I didn't know at the time just how special he was, I just knew that I couldn't comprehend leaving him in the hands of anyone else. But I'm not really good at my job as a stay at home mom  Its hard to be, when you feel like its a prison sentence.  People don't understand that its has nothing to do with my love of my children, husband or home.  It has everything to do with my love for me. I am not trivializing the women that adore their job as mom, honestly, I just don't think i cut the mustard.  So with my lack of self confidence as a provider for them full time, I need outside confirmation of my worth.  I also just love to interact with the general public and take away those experiences to make me a better mom.  The store that I am working at has a very ecliptic merchadise line and so are is the clientele.  Its amazing to me how comfortable people feel when they walk through our doors and share their lives with us.  Although my home life is not a big secret, I chose not to share that I have a special needs child often because I don't want that to be my definition. Yet, I can't help but be shaped by it and those that I meet.

Two weeks ago a women came to the store in search of Bob Marley things.  She was looking for her adult son who has autism.  She was so proud to talk about a TV show called The World of Jenks.The show featured her son and what its like to live with autism.  I wrote down the name and went home and DVR'd it.  What impressed me was how open and honest she was with us by telling us how uncomfortable she initially was with having a TV crew in her apartment and how worried she was about how her son would react.  Later that week I was able to see the episode and it was great! 

A week ago I met a woman in the store that was shopping for her daughter. She was enjoying Sawyer's antics around the store, touching all the jewelry and pulling things off the shelves.  We got talking about her life as a single mom and I was really feeling like I could relate to her.  She went on to tell me about her ex husband and how he now has remarried and has a son with CP.  She told me that the boy was really sweet but for her ex, what goes around comes around.  I wasn't mad, I just took in the information and let it settle.  It really has settled in!  I have been mulling this over in my head for the past week, wondering if there are many people that think this?  Do people truly believe that when a child with special needs is born, its because of some karmic force affecting the parents? then I realized, of course they do!  Parents who have special needs children think about this as well!  I honestly have wondered if there was something in my life or past lives that triggered this outcome for him. I know in my head that this is not the case, but emotions can run high when it comes to matters of the heart. 

Yesterday I had a father and son come in looking to get tie-dye t-shirts for their friends overseas.  The father was in his 60's and the son was in his 40's.  As we went through the racks the son hung back and just looked around the store.  After selecting the shirts that he wanted, the father handed them to his son and said please hold.  His son replied "please hold, please hold".  I then recognized that he was mentally retarded. After they left, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wondering if one day that could be Walker.  I would love to be able to take him shopping and have him pick out his own tie-dye shirt!

The atmosphere in the store is one of tolerance and compassion.  I take my home to work and my work home. Its a great fit and it feeds my soul.

To wean or not to wean... that is the question.

Miss Poo and I have come to a cross road, in which I am not sure what direction to turn.  For all four of my children, I have nursed them until they weaned themselves.  Each child was different.  Mason nursed until he was a year old, and then as a first time mother, I was worried about him taking a sippy cup and meeting text book milestones that soon enough he preferred the independence of a cup.  Dylan only nursed until five or six months.  For him, I felt that there were many components of why he stopped earlier which included, my own personal feelings about nursing at the time.  So at 6 months he was on formula and is still a well adjusted healthy kid!  Walker nursed until 15 months when my milk supply shifted due to pregnancy.  So now I am not exactly sure how to go about weaning Sawyer.

Its not that I am tired of nursing her.  I do enjoy the comfort of us sitting together and being able hold her and feel her warmth against my skin.  I am also pretty lazy.  It is food on the go, in which I don't have to pack or plan for.  She lives on a diet of yogurt, cheese, puffs and breast milk.  (sometimes an occasional fruit too) so I do have a large concern about what nutrients she will eat after weaning.

The other issue is that I am a big push over.  When she is clingy and tired, I just want to comfort her in the best way I know how... to nurse her.

This weekend she really put me to the test with a bite that was so hard I cried.  I was afraid to see the damage, envisioning my nipple bleeding and hanging by a thread.  Luckily that wasn't the case but I swore off then that she was done... until of course later that evening. Each day this has been the case.  She will nurse and be happy and content and go on her merry way, and then the next time, when my guard is down she will ambush me with a nip to the tit.  The cycle continues.

I don't know how exactly to go about this without packing her up and sending her to grandma's for the weekend! My husband is not necessarily on board since that would mean that they milk supply that he so longingly asks for will be dried up.  (I could write a whole other blog on man's obsession with breast milk!) I guess we will just take it one day at a time, and when enough is enough I guess I just won't care!  I will deal with the tears and have to walk away.