About Me

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I am a mother of three boys and one girl, my youngest son Walker is developmentally delayed with no diagnosis, I am divorced and re-married, living life as I never imagined. I may be cynical, but I try to see the world as it is.... no frills but plenty of laughs.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween itis

I used to be the queen of halloween! I have to say that it is my favorite holiday, if it actually is a holiday! I think it tapes into my dramatic side, the part of me that likes to stand out in a crowd, the innate need I have to be goofy and fun. The last two years were the first years that I actually didn't dress up. It was kinda sad.

Halloweens past: Snow white and the seven dwarfs, a pregnant ladybug, Jackie (a fellow employee at the bar I worked at, complete with water balloon breasts, and fake tattoos), a pumpkin, and the controversial pregnant catholic school girl , (no, i did not wear this to my children's school parade!)

With all that has been going on this week, i just wasn't in the spirit. I had a costume for Mr. Mr. but not one for Miss. Poo. My older boys were going with their father so what did it really matter? Except this morning I woke up, and as the witching hour came closer I decieded to at least dress them up and take a few pictures, and heck, why not? go to the parade.... except the parade was inside, and it was loud and hot. Mr. Mr. doesn't like loud, doesn't like hot.

But at least i got some cute pictures!

Friday, October 30, 2009

My virtual solace

Since becoming a SAHM, my world has grown significantly smaller. I am, by nature, a social person. Each job I have had before involved people and communication. I am not someone who can sit in a cubicle and produce and be happy. My choice to stay home has evolved, and even though I have had many side endevours, being a mom is now my full time job.

I love my job, don't get me wrong. I couldn't imagine going back to work full time, getting up by 6 am to pack up two kids and get to some place on time. I did it once upon another life, but now, I couldn't imagine. Getting out of the house takes me 45 minutes, and forget being anywhere on time! I could also not imagine handing my children over to someone else. I believe I am very spoiled in many ways.

The hardest part of my job, though is the isolation that I often feel. Today, as very personal circumstances were unfolding I felt the urge to share with my online world. Some people may scoff at broadcasting such private and personal issues, but my online world has become my social network. Posting my "status" and reading others is my water cooler. Looking through on line albums, and playing scramble, is my break room.

Although, I am fully aware of the virtual world that i socialize in these days, it is a great escape from my reality, in small clips of time; in between feedings, diaper changes, homework and dinner.

I am greatful for this world.
I am greatful to share my world virtually.

Monday, October 26, 2009

I wish I could be

I wish I could be that kind of mom,
the kind who has fresh baked cookies out of the oven for my children when they get off the bus
the kind who organizes "game night" and the whole family plays
the kind who is patient and says "accidents happen" when my 8 year old drops the gallon of milk,
the kind who sneaks into their rooms, just to see them sleeping,
the kind who lets then join every activity they want, and car pools with other parents to get them where they need to be,
the kind who volunteers to bring in apple feast refreshments, and stays to hand them out to the children,
the kind who knows exaclty what to say when my 11 year old, is frustrated with homework,
the kind who can hold and rock her teething child for three hours at night,
the kind who never has laundry piled high on the washing machine,
the kind who routinely washes her floors,
the kind stands at the bus stop every morning, just to get the last kiss goodbye.

Instead, I am
the kind the buys prepared cookie dough, and eats it after they go to bed
the kind who bargains for chores with hands of rumy
the kind that makes the eight year old clean up his mess and reminds him that it was too heavy
the kind who crawls into bed and prays no one hears the creaking
the kind who limits their activities to outdoor play and homework, instead of driving myself crazy
the kind who sends in cash to the room parent so that he/she can buy what they need for the party,
the kind who keeps trying different homework tactics, to eliminate the meltdowns,
the kind who gives her teething child, tylenol and and ambasol and waits until he passes out
the kind who never seems to get the clean laundry back into the dressers
the kind who lets her dogs be clean up the floor instead of washing them,
the kind who sends the kids out to the bus stop ten minutes early, just to get a few minutes of peace and quiet before the others get up.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

More than I can handle

Yesterday we attended a birthday party for a two year old of some friends we hadn't seen in a long while. Since both of our sons were born around the same time, it was exciting to see them again. We were the only other couple there with small children, and the party was more a Pig Roast than toddlers birthday. As the birthday boy was opening presents my husband and I sat and watched with the rest of the family. I had Sawyer and my husband was holding Walker. We got the usual stares, the stares that say... hmm exactly how old is that kid? and why isn't he running around?, so we found ourselves explaining about his developemental delays. Everyone seems accepting and went about thier conversations and excitement for the birthday boy. When my husband went to get something to eat, I took Walker and we sat on the floor and watched the birthday boy push around his new tractors and trucks. An older woman asked if she could take Walker and she talked sweetly to him. Through our conversation she made a remark that struck me as odd "God gives you only what you can handle". I have heard this statement before, in fact, I remember putting it in a card I sent to an old school friend who's daughter was born severly disabled. But never really thought how absurd it was. At the time, it seems like an encouraging thought, but what did it really mean? What did it really mean to me, at the time, not able to even comprehend what it was that God was giving her to handle? And here I am, now being given the same statement/advice. Why do strangers, friends, relatives... people who really have no clue about your feelings, your situation, the true inside, deep, dark emotions... feel that this should be encouraging?

I've read the books, I know the grief cycle that I am going through in my journey with Walker, but is it really that simple? At what point can i say, "okay, now I am on to the anger part" and who exaclty would i be angry with??? My spiritual beleifs are not concrete enough for me to be angry at God. I'm not even so sure there is one, one entity persay. So therefore, I really don't believe the whole "not more than I can handle".

I wish I could take back that card. I wish I could apologize for even trying to think that I could offer some insight, or pretend that i could even have a clue!!

P.s. IT IS okay if it is "more than I can handle!!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Decisions, decisions....

This week Ramiah and I took Walker and Sawyer down to Helen Hayes to have Mr. Mr. measured for some type of stroller, chair system. What a huge web it is to untangle through this system of Medicaid and what we need or may need for him in the future! I am looking for some sort of stroller that will support him, allow him to recline, something we can take into a resturant or to my mother's house so that Walker can be part of the dinner table. Many of the strollers out on the market for "special need" kids, are ridiculously expensive!! The gentleman that met with us there was a very odd duck. Ramiah and I couldn't figure out if he hates his job or if many people come down there then don't pick up the equipment??? Not really sure what his deal was, but he did show us several options and will try and get some samples. The major problem I am having is that i need a double system so that I don't have Sawyer and him in two seperate strollers, but I also need something to use for just him when she is not in a stroller. It is such a huge decision and I want to make the right one!! I also want to be sure to use our resources correctly and efficiently. So I have been searching the internet and printing out all types of things. The bottom line though is, that Medicaid may not cover it anyways... urghh!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Help Wanted

I have these days when I am so motivated to do everything! From cooking a really great meal, to cleaning, to paying bills, to spending serious quality time with the kids. Then life happens.... I need to give myself a break. I wish I could be one of those super organized people who have a schedule for their day. Do SAHM really do that? If so, I need help! Can I hire someone to assist me in this?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Ghost of the past

A fellow blogger posted a blog concerning her friend who commited suicide. This stirred up some emotions that I thought had long since past. four years ago, my brother in law committed suicide. Our society makes it taboo to talk about, because it is seen as weak, or selfish. Maybe in some ways it is, since he left three beautiful children behind, never getting to see them grow, never giving them answers. I talk about their dad a lot. I miss him terribly! Never having a brother he was my savior. He came to my rescue many times: fixed a flat, helped me buy a car and acted as my muscle man while moving my stuff out of ex-boyfriends apartments. He was goofy and fun. Everytime I see a Wil Smith movie I think of him! My children will never get to meet him, they will only know of him as something not to bring up. A ghost in the past. Suicide is not fair! Not fair to the living. I can only hope that he found what he was looking for!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Her journey

I was recently asked if I wanted to live as long as my grandmother. She will be turning 93 this year in December. I responded that Yes I would, as long as I could live life as she has.

Up until the last few weeks, she had been active, shopping, socializing and enjoying herself. Now all that has changed. It has made me really think if I would actually like to live that long.

She was born in 1916, and what an amazing journey she has had! I think of all the things she has seen the world go through! World Wars, presdents, scandals, recessions... I can't even imagine! Sure I read about it throughout my college years, but to actually live it is another story!

Yet, now here she is, at the end of of her journey.

I wonder if the end is ever good, no matter how long its been. I want to believe that this is just the layover and the next journey will be even greater. Yet, I waver, not trully sure what to believe, not sure what to expect. So I guess the answer to the original question is Yes, because it just may take me 93 years to figure it all out!