Our dance

Everyone must have one, that one person that can swoop in and make you question every decision, make tons of emotions from past and present rise up under your skin, make you re-evaluate and replay the entire conversation over and over. Dissecting each statement, searching for hidden meanings both consciously and subconsciously.

After years of therapy, support groups and self help books, I've come to a place that gives me more leeway. This place doesn't prevent me from going through all the motions, but the time spent on it seems to be less and less.

I don't fault this person for invoking these feelings. I know that it is me, who allows him/her power and that they probably have no idea it exists. Hell, my guess is that it is a dance between us and that I as well make him/her side step.

So today, just for this moment, I am embracing this dance, acknowledging it for what it is and knowing that its through love that it has been choreographed.

Mommy guilt

Mommy guilt? I have a ton! I am sure not more than the next woman but when I am in my throws of self doubt and kicking myself when I am down, it seems that there isn't one thing that I haven't done wrong.

In the mommy guilt department my number one has to be divorcing my two older children's dad! There are so many components to divorce and mommy guilt has to be one of the biggest! I feel guilty about making them split their time between us two, i feel guilty for staying in the marriage too long that it exposed my older son to a lot of aggression, I feel guilt every time one comes home from school with a project and they have to decide who to give it to.

Then there is the guilt for being a stay at home mom. Yes, you heard me correctly. One would think that working moms have all the guilt but I am here to tell you that is not the case! Being a stay at home mom gives me guilt when dinner isn't homemade, when the house isn't clean, when my son Walker has therapy and I feel that I don't spend enough time with him.

Then there is the global mommy guilt! Disposable diapers, pollution and political decisions that will affect my children's future long after I am no longer on this earth!

I think guilt just comes with the territory any time you care about another being!

Warning: Explicit photographs

No, i am not an exhibitionist, no I never was a go go dancer, but there is just something about the image of my child suckling on my breast that is tender to my heart. Heck, there is something about any child nursing that makes me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I am not a breastfeeding Nazi... I don't preach to new moms about the benefits of breast milk and ad lib IQ level statistics (I really don't believe them anyways) I view breastfeeding as an extremely personal decision that only the mother can truly make. It is not up to a spouse to put pressure on the women to either bottle feed or breast feed, it is not up to the public to dictate it or the physicians. Making the choice to nurse or not is tough enough without all the societal bullshit that goes with it.

For me, after four children, nursing them is all I know how to do. To me, nursing my child is an intimacy that no one else can give me. Its not a sexual intimacy, its just an extension of my pregnancy and giving my child life.

Clueless in Minisink

This afternoon I attempted to take all four of my children to my nephews swim meet. I figured that this would be a good environment for Walker since it shouldn't be too loud and was indoors. Unfortunately, i forgot all about the acoustics and how magnified everything sounds in the pool area. Needless to say he wasn't too thrilled and I ended up walking with him out in the hall while the other three stayed inside with their aunt. My sister noted that as a woman was walking by Sawyer and saw her sitting quietly she commented "now that's a good baby" It amazes me how clueless and judgmental people are! Although society is becoming more aware of children with autism and other disabilities they still have no clue! Because my son doesn't show any apparent issues, he was looked at as being bad??? I think it would be asking a lot to have any child, be quiet and content at school functions. Isn't the school one area that should accept all children? Where families of all types should feel comfortable?
Should he have to wear a sign stating "loud noises bug me out"? or do we just keep him home?

Fun times at Rothschild High

Tonight at dinner was another fun night of living with divorce issues. My oldest two children are from my first marriage. Our custody agreement has been a never ending battle with my ex and my children. He lives in one school district, while I live in another. From the beginning, it was my school district that was the preferred choice for our children to go to. We have tried to share the children 50/50 as much as possible. Obviously there are times that this is not possible. Currently, the boys stay with me, Sunday night through Thursday night while school is in session and their father gets them every weekend. All my boys see is that they only get to be with dad for two days. What they don't understand is that he gets the down time with them, while I have them only for business.... showers, homework, chores and bed. Sure I could be a mom who lets them stay up as late as they want, not make them do their homework or chores, but I try to have some resemblance of a "normal" childhood and try to be a responsible parent. Last time I checked it was my job as a parent to prepare them to be independent contributors to society... not their friend. But with this responsibility also comes the downside of not always getting the sunny side of my children. Tonight was one of those nights. We mapped out the hours spent with each parent, and my share is 24 hrs a week, while their father has them for 29hrs. I think the hours together is fair, and have kept my mouth shut about the type of time. I tried to get him to do one week on and one week off, but that isn't too plausible since he lives in another district.

Sometimes it sucks being the responsible one. I know that it is hard on my children as well as myself that their parents are divorced. I hate that they have this issue! Yes, it sucks... yes its not fair.... but this is our life....

Goodbye house

In less than two weeks we will be moving. This step has been a roller coaster ride for the last year and I'm am looking forward to finally getting off the ride. The way my brain works is that once I make a decision I set my mind to not look back. I am a full fledge commitment type (which may seem strange since I divorced my ex) however I don't want to cloud all of my memories with this house on negative energy.

Buying this house was the main reason I let down my guard and picked a date to marry Ramiah. We had been engaged but I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to commit again. But, I figured since we were buying a house, he couldn't get rid of my anyways!!

This house was where our family emerged with Kawi, Duke, Walker and Sawyer. And even though it is way too small for us anymore, there are a few points in the house that I will miss.

I will miss the little shelf that is over our staircase in the kitchen which was the perfect spot to put my plants
.

I will miss the shelves above the kitchen cabinets which afforded me the space to display all of my glass bottle collection

The five minute commute to both my mother's and sister's houses.

Our Sunday breakfast deli, just down the road.

The yellow rose bush Ramiah planted for me for Mother's day.

The perfect rock that we placed by our driveway.

The sneaky side door that only leads the basement but keeps solicitors guessing!

I know we will create new memories and I embrace the change but for the next week or so, I will pay my respects to our little house.

Pattern of change

I've never been one for New Years resolutions. I've always thought that if you want to change something you just do it, don't wait until a specific day to make that change. Plus, I've always danced to my own drummer, not wanting to get involved in the whole "resolution" hoopla. But looking back throughout my life I realized that there has been a pattern of dates that I inadvertently made huge decisions on. They weren't planned, but interestingly enough they all fall on the 15th of the month.

January 15th 2003 - left my first husband - running scared for my life!
November 15th 2005 - quit smoking
July 15th 2006 - became engaged to Ramiah (love of my life and best friend!)
And now January 15th 2010 we will be moving into our next home.

So I'm happy to say that instead of just having one day a year to make changes, I get 12!!