About Me

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I am a mother of three boys and one girl, my youngest son Walker is developmentally delayed with no diagnosis, I am divorced and re-married, living life as I never imagined. I may be cynical, but I try to see the world as it is.... no frills but plenty of laughs.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Sunday drive

Today while driving with my husband, as we do every Sunday, our conversation turned to Walker. We usually talk about the daily stuff, what he ate, how much he slept or pooped etc. but something in me today had to divulge my inner fears. My husband said what a happy boy he is, and I questioned that.

Is that something we just tell ourselves and others to ease the pain of the unknown? As in our conversation when explaining his condition, we always add "but he is a happy baby". But really how much is he happy? These days it feels like we have good days and bad days. A friend of mine asked, if we were sure he did not pain. I don't know. How could one test for that anyways? Since he is unable to communicate with us directly, how would we ever know? Is he unhappy because he doesn't feel good? or because he is frustrated with not being able to tell us what he wants or needs?

To me that is the scariest part! I can handle if he never walks, runs or crawls. But how can he go through life without communicating? The unknown is the scariest part! The guessing, the foreshadowing of the unknown.

We don't talk of it much, instead we try to stay positive and my husband held my hand as I wiped my tears and told me that he will be okay. I know he is just as scared as I am. I know that he wants to comfort me, but doesn't quite know how. Neither of us know what lies ahead. But I am happy we are together. I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side.

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