Yesterday was November 15th, and I realized last night, as I was drifting off to sleep that it was the fourth year anniversary of me quitting smoking! Its a big important day for me, and as long as I honor it, I feel that I will never go back to that addiction again!
I must admit that I have quit before. When I was pregnant with Mason I stopped smoking and stayed smoke free until Dylan was a year old. This time, though it was different. I did it for me. I also came to the realization that I am an addict, in every sense of the term! I fooled myself thinking that I could be a social smoker, but the fact is that I am either a non smoker or a full fledge smoking in the shower, smoker. I know nothing else. I cannot limit myself once I start. therefore i plunge quickly back into the pack a day habit. This last time was also different because I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, and when my husband (then boyfriend) realized it, he made a deal with me that if I lasted one year he would pay for my next tattoo. So now I have a constant reminder.
One doesn't fully realize how much cigeretts control your life. I look back now and know that my whole sense of time was based on smoking. While in corporate America I planned my meetings and telephone calls around my smoking breaks. And then while working in the bar, i could time a medium well done hamburger based on the length of smoking a cigerette (don't worry i wasn't smokin gover the grill!) Not only is the habit physically addicting, but mentally too! Every day when I was traveling to New Paltz for my undergrad (i say undergrad because I will go and get my Masters!!), I would pass through Walden and stare up at the clock in the town center. I would know that I had time enough to smoke two more before I got to school. To this day, when I am in Walden, I think about smoking a cigerette. It controls you mind. forever! As caes drive by I notice if the driver is smoking or not and every now and then I crave one. So, I label myself as an addict and know that I can never, ever go back!
Happy smoke free to me!
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