Sunday drive

Today while driving with my husband, as we do every Sunday, our conversation turned to Walker. We usually talk about the daily stuff, what he ate, how much he slept or pooped etc. but something in me today had to divulge my inner fears. My husband said what a happy boy he is, and I questioned that.

Is that something we just tell ourselves and others to ease the pain of the unknown? As in our conversation when explaining his condition, we always add "but he is a happy baby". But really how much is he happy? These days it feels like we have good days and bad days. A friend of mine asked, if we were sure he did not pain. I don't know. How could one test for that anyways? Since he is unable to communicate with us directly, how would we ever know? Is he unhappy because he doesn't feel good? or because he is frustrated with not being able to tell us what he wants or needs?

To me that is the scariest part! I can handle if he never walks, runs or crawls. But how can he go through life without communicating? The unknown is the scariest part! The guessing, the foreshadowing of the unknown.

We don't talk of it much, instead we try to stay positive and my husband held my hand as I wiped my tears and told me that he will be okay. I know he is just as scared as I am. I know that he wants to comfort me, but doesn't quite know how. Neither of us know what lies ahead. But I am happy we are together. I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side.

Join my Cult!

I am officially part of a cult! We meet twice a week, come excited and leave energized! Its ZUMBA baby!!


I find the dynamics of the group very interesting and enjoy studying everyone there. As everyone comes in they mark their spot. Some are confident and go to the front, others hang back. There are a few men who come, who enjoy the dance and the opportunity to see a room full of women shaking their ass. There are those who have full makeup and hair sprayed, and there are those like me, t-shirt and the occasional spit up running down my back! But all are welcome!

The hour flies by! Just keep moving and grooving is the name of the game!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyWou608KJg

Happy Birthday Walker!

Today is Walker's second birthday. With my older boys I have a tradition of telling them the story of their birth before bed the night before. I realized this morning that I didn't get that chance, so I thought I would blog here about it.

My pregnancy with Walker was planned. Maybe a little too planned. Ramiah and I were married on 12/31 and we began trying in Feb and March. I wanted to try and calculate his birth in between semesters, since I was planning on returning and getting my Masters in the fall. Well, since our family is full of fertile myrtles, I was pregnant sooner that we thought. The pregnancy went well. No major complications just the annoyance of gestational diabetes that I controlled with my diet.

The due date was 11/25/07. I was pretty excited and so was Ramiah. This was his first child and first pregnancy! We marveled at how my body changed, and enjoyed all of it! As the due date came closer I began to be more anxious. I wanted to have a completely natural childbirth and was preparing with Lamaze classes and essential oils.

The week of thanksgiving my doctor told me that she would not let me go much past my due date because of the diabetes. But she was fully aware of my feelings for keeping things natural so i convinced her to let me try my own holistic processes.

On Monday November 26th, I was still pregnant. I was ready to have this baby!!! I went to visit my ob/gyn and convinced her to strip my membranes and then she sent Ramiah and I home with strict instructions for nipple stimulation for an hour. Needless to say Ramiah was quite excited, (me... not so much) On our way home I started feeling some cramps, but decided to follow through with the Dr's orders and maybe get in a nap! The nap never came, because after just a half hour of nipple stimulation I was having contractions!! I got up and put everything in order to go to the hospital but never checked to see the timing of them. By the time my older boys got home from school and left with their dad i thought maybe I should time my contractions. They were 2 mins apart!!!

When we got to the hospital I was very uncomfortable but still determined to trust my Lamaze and oils to help me through it. My mother and sister were also there to support me! I was checked in at 5:30 and Walker was born at 7:35pm!!

Applications being accepted

Applications are currently being accepted for the following position:

Wife

Duties include but are not limited to: able to plan meals, shop and prepare for them, ensure laundry is done, washed and folded, socks matching is optional, get the mail, pay the bills, and know how much money is in the bank account at 3am when I can't sleep, must be able to schedule and attend all doctors, dentist and teacher appointments, should sweep and wash all floors, including behind the toilet even though only the male population in the house messes that up, should be able to walk the dog, clean the cat litter box and replace dead goldfish before the children find out, keep inventory of the pantry, freezer, refrigerator and medicine cabinet, know how to program the tv remote and the coffee maker, remember birthdays and anniversary's and call all relatives including my side of the family, be able to mow the lawn when the children are lost in the back yard, and clean up dog poop, fix the dryer and any other appliance in the house or know the phone number of someone who can.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer, please submit applications to the attention of: I want my own wife, 2620 County Route 1, Port Jerivs, NY 12771

Happy Smoke free to me!

Yesterday was November 15th, and I realized last night, as I was drifting off to sleep that it was the fourth year anniversary of me quitting smoking! Its a big important day for me, and as long as I honor it, I feel that I will never go back to that addiction again!

I must admit that I have quit before. When I was pregnant with Mason I stopped smoking and stayed smoke free until Dylan was a year old. This time, though it was different. I did it for me. I also came to the realization that I am an addict, in every sense of the term! I fooled myself thinking that I could be a social smoker, but the fact is that I am either a non smoker or a full fledge smoking in the shower, smoker. I know nothing else. I cannot limit myself once I start. therefore i plunge quickly back into the pack a day habit. This last time was also different because I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, and when my husband (then boyfriend) realized it, he made a deal with me that if I lasted one year he would pay for my next tattoo. So now I have a constant reminder.

One doesn't fully realize how much cigeretts control your life. I look back now and know that my whole sense of time was based on smoking. While in corporate America I planned my meetings and telephone calls around my smoking breaks. And then while working in the bar, i could time a medium well done hamburger based on the length of smoking a cigerette (don't worry i wasn't smokin gover the grill!) Not only is the habit physically addicting, but mentally too! Every day when I was traveling to New Paltz for my undergrad (i say undergrad because I will go and get my Masters!!), I would pass through Walden and stare up at the clock in the town center. I would know that I had time enough to smoke two more before I got to school. To this day, when I am in Walden, I think about smoking a cigerette. It controls you mind. forever! As caes drive by I notice if the driver is smoking or not and every now and then I crave one. So, I label myself as an addict and know that I can never, ever go back!

Happy smoke free to me!

Frustration on the Hudson

Today was a tough day. My family and I attended a relatives wedding. It was a nice simple occasion. The ceremony and reception were all in one place and it had breathtaking views of the hudson river.

The reason it was tough was because my little guy was miserable the whole time! I should know better by now, you might say. But it is such a hard delima. The wedding took place at 2pm which is smack in the middle of his usual nap time. He doesn't sleep well anywhere else but his own bed. So he napped shortly in the hour car ride there. Then the music and clapping and noise started, which is part of any happy occasion. Unfortunetly, it was just way to much for him! Top it off with his new improved screams and you have one miserable two year old, and one unhappy daddy. Luckily, my husband was able to take him outside and air him out. But it was still upsetting.

Part of me wants to not subject him to these types of events. I know he will hate it, I know that the stimulation is just to much and then to add all the other components into the mix and its a horror. But how will he ever be able to handle these events if he doesn't go? Do I really want to subject him to a life time of isolation? Would this be setting him up for it?

Its so hard. So frustrating, so upsetting. The dj played a Billy Joel song while we were there after I had calmed him down and he was sitting nicely in my lap. It made me cry, "I love you just the way you are".

goop and go

Since I was old enough to decide how I wanted to wear my hair, it has always been a personal statement of my state of mind.
In my high school years, my hair was always about hairspray and curls. Then when I would break up with a boy, I would cut it short. Sort of a testimony to my independence since most men I know always want women to have long hair. The problem is that my hair takes FOREVER to grow!! My mother will tell you! I have had some really crappy hair cuts and they take so long to grow out. I can't count the number of tears I have shed over the years from crappy hair cuts or bad perms!! I've had the bob, off and on in some way or shape for most of my "grown up' life. Well, since my divorce anyways. As I got thinner, I cut my hair. As I became more confident, I cut my hair. I am not one to fuss with it for long, I hate anything that is high maintence. I want to blow dry it, slop some goop in it and go! My hair is also oily so I do have to wash it everyday, otherwise I look like greeser. I have also been know to randomly pick out a box of color dye and just go for it! There was a brief period a short time ago that I was on the quest for the perfect purple highlights, but that failed.

The point is, I am getting itchy for a new do. Luckly, my husband just smiles and tells me "whatever you want dear" knowing that if he bucks me just a little, I will chop all of it off! But, I don't know exactly what i want. I have been trying not to color it, and take the more mature look. (I stopped counting my greys) I even signed up for one of those web sites that you upload your picture in to see what hair style looks good for you, but I wasn't happy with any of them. So as much as I like to state "its just hair" I do obsess over it. Not in the bathroom to make it looks pefect, but in the pre-cut period of deciding what to get. I just want to goop and go.

Space and time

I am not one to whine.. or at least I don't like to think so. I find myself mad at the world and mad at the injustices of being a stay at home mom! This past week has been very difficult. Mr. Mr. was sick and therefore, my days and nights were exhausting. Since he can't communciate effectively, it was a guessing game with each scream. He has learned a few and therefore through trial and error, so have I.

There is the pay attention to me scream, the happy life is good scream, and the new one which can only be explained by the look on his face, which tells me... why aren't you fixing it??? scream.

All of this frustration was felt throughout the house. Not only by him, and by me, but my older children as well. There are times when I really worry about how they are handling it. He is demanding and his new baby sister is too. Was it fair for me to bring another child into the home? I try to carve out one on one time with each of them throughout the day, but its difficult since I can't really tell the younger two, to wait their turn. My husband has even become needier it seems.

I'm just trying to find some time and space for myself, without guilt.

Fingers are crossed.

Yesterday I took my son to see a Homeopathic Doctor. I was mainly looking to get some help and assistance with his diet. Since he was born, he has battled with reflux and constipation. The doctors that have seen him in the past, have just prescribed stool softners and Zantac. As I have been researching different areas in hopes to help him with his developmental delays, I have become more educated with the off the radar medical research that has been going on mainly for children with autism. Although, I don't belive that he has autism, I am not, however, convinced that there isn't anything metobolic going on.

My appointment was in her office, which is located in her home on a quiet country road. Right away I was glad I didn't bring my husband. (He is very sceptical of all doctors!) Her office was warm and inviting. She herself, presented herself well and we met her little dog Annabell.

She tested him for food allergies, by getting out boxes that contained vials, and touching them one at a time and using her intuition. (I am assuming because she really didn't explain it to me) But what she found to be sensitivites, did agree with what I had already thought. Maybe I am just desperate to help him! I don't know. Throughout our session, I was trying to maintain a positive attitude. A few of the things she did, I was sceptical, but there is that part of me that doesn't want to interfer or jinx anything! We left with a list of food avoidances, a protien supplement (which i really wanted) and a detox supplement for mercury. So now I am charting it out and we will see. I am not expecting miracles, I know he will not get up and walk tomorrow, but even if it helps him feel better, than it is worth it!