Yesterday we attended a birthday party for a two year old of some friends we hadn't seen in a long while. Since both of our sons were born around the same time, it was exciting to see them again. We were the only other couple there with small children, and the party was more a Pig Roast than toddlers birthday. As the birthday boy was opening presents my husband and I sat and watched with the rest of the family. I had Sawyer and my husband was holding Walker. We got the usual stares, the stares that say... hmm exactly how old is that kid? and why isn't he running around?, so we found ourselves explaining about his developemental delays. Everyone seems accepting and went about thier conversations and excitement for the birthday boy. When my husband went to get something to eat, I took Walker and we sat on the floor and watched the birthday boy push around his new tractors and trucks. An older woman asked if she could take Walker and she talked sweetly to him. Through our conversation she made a remark that struck me as odd "God gives you only what you can handle". I have heard this statement before, in fact, I remember putting it in a card I sent to an old school friend who's daughter was born severly disabled. But never really thought how absurd it was. At the time, it seems like an encouraging thought, but what did it really mean? What did it really mean to me, at the time, not able to even comprehend what it was that God was giving her to handle? And here I am, now being given the same statement/advice. Why do strangers, friends, relatives... people who really have no clue about your feelings, your situation, the true inside, deep, dark emotions... feel that this should be encouraging?
I've read the books, I know the grief cycle that I am going through in my journey with Walker, but is it really that simple? At what point can i say, "okay, now I am on to the anger part" and who exaclty would i be angry with??? My spiritual beleifs are not concrete enough for me to be angry at God. I'm not even so sure there is one, one entity persay. So therefore, I really don't believe the whole "not more than I can handle".
I wish I could take back that card. I wish I could apologize for even trying to think that I could offer some insight, or pretend that i could even have a clue!!
P.s. IT IS okay if it is "more than I can handle!!
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