Its been a struggle, these days I have been on an emotional roller coaster (my posts certainly reflect this!) but the truth be told, I am the face of PPD, yup, I said the secret words.... postpartum depression. After having my first two children, I was faced with a bad marriage and overwhelming feelings of panic. I didn't initially recognize the signs and would suffer from panic attacks. Once I was diagnosed and put on medication I was able to learn coping techniques and what my triggers were. After 18 months on medication I weaned myself off successfully.
After having Walker i began having similar symptoms (for a list of signs click here) But this time I was armed with the knowledge and sought out help immediatelty. Since my husband and I knew we wanted to have another child my doctor and I decided that I would just stay on the medication instead of going off and on. Although the medication helps, I hate the fact that I have to be "on" something. The medication makes me feel so good that two months ago I decided to wean myself off of it. For the first month, I felt good, I would sense small amounts of anxiety but felt that my other coping mechanisms were handling them well. ( Mediation, essential oils and visual imagery) but about three weeks ago, I felt my emotions start to spin out of control. I was angry all the time, i had little if any patience with my older boys and I would just cry randomly throughout the day.
There is just something inside me that wants to believe that I don't need medication., That there must be some natural way for me to deal with this so I headed over to my local natural food store. Sure there are tons of natural products that help alleviate depression, but since they are not FDA regulated, no one would assure me that taking them while breast feeding would be safe. And I am not about to put miss poo at risk so my next stop was the homeopath I had previously taken Walker to. She met with me and feels that I have a lot of food sensitivities that once they are addressed the depression will disappear. Now this makes sense to me in theory! However, what do I do in the mean time?
Last Friday I found myself sitting in a parking lot with an ice cream cone and just crying. I realized at that point that I really need to cut myself a break. If someone I knew and loved had a serious health issue and needed to take the medication, I would be upset with them if they didn't. So why was I being so critical of myself? Like I said, I needed to cut myself a break! So day 5 of being back on my PPD meds and I feel a whole lot better. Who said this had to be for the rest of my life? and if so, so what?
I want to break the stigma... the secrecy behind PPD. I am the face of it... see my smile?
I Live With These People: A Photo Series
7 months ago