Diapers, diapers and more diapers

Two nights ago when i was awoken by my two year old around 5:00am, I came to the horrible realization that I was on his last overnight diaper. Yes, this is scary, because I like my sleep, and these handy but expensive diapers really do save the night most of the time! My problem with diapers, well, there are many but I won't go there right now, is that in order to purchase them you need to buy in bulk. That bulk is only located at a few local places, Walmart or target. There are several problems with this 1) dragging out two children to shop is not my idea of fun, 2) dragging along a cart to hold the bulk items, while simultaneously pushing a stroller takes much more coordination than I can muster these days and 3) i never, ever, just get in and purchase the diapers and get out, my register tape usually tips the scales at over $100! So two months ago I looked for an alternative. I found www.diapers.com

This site is great! They price out all the brands per diaper, orders over $40 get free shipping and if you order before 6pm, they come the next day. They also carry so many other items, baby food is one that I combine in my orders often! Oh, and they accept coupons!!

Drop me a line if you want to check out their stuff, cause they also have a great referral program!!

Cool Giveaway!

Go check out a fellow blogger who has an awesome giveaway (and great blog too!) Leave her a comment to enter!!

http://poconosmama.blogspot.com/

That dress

Today was a sad day, I brought a few of my items out of my closet to the thrift store. Normally this is not an occasion to be sad about, however today, i gave away the dress. You know which one I mean, the dress that sits in the back of your closet, that was the perfect dress. Although it may not fit anymore, you still hang on to it in hopes of slimming down, or just to have the memory of how good you felt in it! This 0utfit was a simple one. It was black (cause all perfect dresses are, hence the little black dress saying), and it was one piece that looked like two. It had long pants that had an overlay which gave the impression of a long skirt when I walked in it. The scoop neck was perfect to wear an elegant pearl or diamond necklace and the beaded trim on the sleeves gave just enough sparkle that I didn't necessarily have to wear any jewelry at all.

So why, if I have such an emotional attachment to it did I give it away? Because I have to let go of that "perfect image" which includes that much smaller dress size. The longer I hang on to it, the longer I keep looking back and putting that expectation on myself. So off to the thrift store it went, and hopefully some lucky girl will find it and see how utterly perfect it is for her New Years celebration and make her feel like a million bucks.

Insanity...I plead the fifth.

My husband reminded me of one of my favorite sayings " the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expected different results". He was reminding me of this today, Christmas, when my eldest was crying and mad because he couldn't get his Ipod working and my middle child was upset because he only counted four presents from Santa. I was trying to take a deep breath and remember why exactly I like Christmas.

From my earlier postings you know that I have been struggling with this whole holiday. It hasn't been just this year. Each year, my children have similar reactions and I just find myself frustrated. What exactly do I expect from them you might ask? I guess just some sort of appreciation. When I look back at my child hood Christmases I try to think I wasn't so bratty, but truth be told, I probably was. (insert my mother's laugh here)

So how do I turn this holiday around? For the past few years, I have toyed with the idea of coming up with some sort of volunteerism instead. A soup kitchen, a family to make Christmas for... something that can give my children some other type of meaning of Christmas besides the material items under the tree. So why haven't i done it? I guess part of me struggles with the thought that it shouldn't just be around Christmas that we volunteer. But where do we start? How do we get involved? and when can I fit it in their schedules when I only have them during the weekdays? I will take any suggestions out there, or ideas... my hope is that I can build the character of my children (and myself along the way) so that next Christmas we can take on an even bigger meaning of Christmas and my insanity can end!

Magic lost

As a wife who lives with a bonafide scrooge, my excitement for Christmas has dwiddled these last few years. Its not that my husband hates Christmas, he just doesn't "get it". Growing up in as practicing Johova Witnesses, Christmas wasn't celebrated. For my family, Christmas wasn't a religious celebration but more about tradition and being with family. The magic of Christmas for me was having my father home and participate in our family activities, getting the Christmas tree, going to see relatives and my all time favorite, was singing Christmas carols all the way home! The magic also was the possibility of anything! Whether it be a new bike under the tree or getting to lick the batters from the cookie batches.

After divorcing Christmas became more of a chore, the custody split and running here and there just to see my children, the anxiety over what Santa would bring them at each house and how it would compare. It began to lose its magic and take on a more materialistic greedy grin. Once I met my husband, my outlook really didn't improved. I would be happier if Christmas came only every 5 years. The magic for me has been lost.






But yet, yesterday I saw a glimmer of hope for the magic to be revitalized and maybe, just maybe our angel will show daddy the other side.

Thanks Jack!

With four children television has been a battle since the first one came along. I am not a mother who hates tv, I just try and limit my children s exposure. We have only one tv in the house, (an oddity I am learning!) we have no gaming system and all homework and chores must be completed before it is turned on. My other rules are 1) no tv before school, 2) no tv during dinner and 3) when mama says turn it off, it gets turned off!

So why am I placing my two year old in front of the boob tube each morning? And why am I thanking Jack? That is Jack's Big Music show!

With a toddler who has disabilities there isn't much that he does "normal" So after hearing about this show from a good friend of mine, I tivo'd it. Much to my amazement Walker Loves it!! He has been watching it and laughing and squealing! So just for a short half hour increment, I am able to see him enjoy television....

a house is a house for me

"A house is a house for me" are the lyrics to a favorite children's song by Fred Prenner. In it he plays on the riddles to have children guess what each item is a house for. Example: a hill is an house for a ___ (an ant), a glove is a house for a hand ___ (hand) etc. I've been thinking though what truly is a house for me? Is it an idea? is it the roof over my head? is it the people inside it? Through out my life I have had many homes. So to me, they physically don't have much emotional attachment to me. The hardest one to let go of, was my 1st house I owned. And even though I only lived in it for four months, letting it go was hard. I was letting go of a dream that I had had... the white picket fence, the status of being a "home owner". It took me some time to let go, to realize that I could be happy in a box if that meant... I was my own person. That I was happy with myself and those around me. Letting go of our current house is not that big of a deal to me, but I understand my husbands reserves. I understand because I too went through it. It is a grieving process. A process of letting go. I will give him time to grieve because a house with him is a house for me.

Snow day!

Snow days as children are the best gifts! You wake up, turn the radio on and hide under the covers listening for the announcer to list your school as closed. Once you hear it, you are so excited you can't go back to sleep. Instead you lay in bed planning on the snow ball fights or sled rides that you plan on taking that day!

As an adult working in corporate America, I hated snow days. There was no such thing as work being canceled, and in order to stay home you would have to use your sick days. The worst was the judgment passed on you for not coming in, and knowing that all that work would just pile up and be sitting and waiting for you the next day.

Today I get to be a kid again! Being a stay at home mom allows me the freedom of knowing that I don't have to go anywhere or do anything! Instead of dreaming about snowmen and sleigh rides, I was laying in bed thinking about the closets I could organize and the cookies I could bake!

You spin me round round baby

As I sit here writing this my head is spinning. I'm anxious and nervous!! Our current living situation is in the process of being taken away from us. We don't know exactly when. Estimates are worst case scenario is 90 days, best case is 6 months. Knowing this is making me crazy! I am not the type to sit by and wait it out! I have too much to worry about with my childrens needs. It would be different if it was just my husband and I , but its not. Yesterday I looked at a house that seems to meet all of our needs! My husband didn't get out of the car because he was uncomfortable looking through another persons stuff (the current tenants are still there). He feels that I am jumping the gun. I don't think so. He is the type to put his head in the sand and will wait until they pack our stuff and throw us out on the lawn! I can't live like that! So how do I convince him that this is the right move? Or do I just tell him this is what we are doing? He cannot stand change, so I know that is the biggest obstacle for him. But if all the pieces are right, why not do it? I just want to get on with my life and know what we are doing! I can't stand LIMBO!!!

A new direction

Today was another day in our adventure with Walker. We traveled down to Great Neck NY, (which is long island for most of us country folk) to see a man about an oxygen tank.

Its called Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy. Most of us probably haven't heard of it, some may have. Its been around for a very long time, but only used to treat carbon monoxide poisoning, burns and a few other issues. It has been on the underground circuit for the Autism community for awhile now.

I've did my research prior to our visit, in fact, i chose this clinic because its tank or chamber is all glass and the person inside can see out etc. The appointment was for a consultation and I have to say that I felt like I was talking to someone who has been in my head for the last two years!!

The doctor is a pediatrician who for the last 30 years treated children and finally got sick of seeing a lot of children coming in with autism and other disorders with no explanation. He didn't want to accept, that this is "just how it is". He consults with the clinic once a week to assist people just like us.

Yes, he thinks that the therapy can help walker, but there is not real measurement to say exactly how many sessions would be needed and at what pressure his body would respond.

No, he did not take our money and have us sign on the dotted line. He feels that there are other things we need to look into before going gun ho with this treatment.

First, he wants to look at our insurance and see what he can categorize the therapy under to see if we can get some of it covered. Next, he wants to do another MRI, but this time using dye to see where the oxygen is going in Walkers brain. (This will also help us establish a starting point, that if there are changes due to the therapy we will have documented) Also, he looked at the metabolic work up that was done recently which we were told was "normal". But clearly, right on the test results many of Walker's levels were not in the Normal range. What does that mean? We don't know, but we need to investigate and not take 'normal' as okay, when clearly it is not!

I liked this man's attitude, he wasn't a sales man, and seemed to really connect with the kids. (as he walked back and forth through the waiting room he addressed every child and parent!)

So, we don't have any more answers.... but I feel that this may be a good direction we are going in.

Sunday drive

Today while driving with my husband, as we do every Sunday, our conversation turned to Walker. We usually talk about the daily stuff, what he ate, how much he slept or pooped etc. but something in me today had to divulge my inner fears. My husband said what a happy boy he is, and I questioned that.

Is that something we just tell ourselves and others to ease the pain of the unknown? As in our conversation when explaining his condition, we always add "but he is a happy baby". But really how much is he happy? These days it feels like we have good days and bad days. A friend of mine asked, if we were sure he did not pain. I don't know. How could one test for that anyways? Since he is unable to communicate with us directly, how would we ever know? Is he unhappy because he doesn't feel good? or because he is frustrated with not being able to tell us what he wants or needs?

To me that is the scariest part! I can handle if he never walks, runs or crawls. But how can he go through life without communicating? The unknown is the scariest part! The guessing, the foreshadowing of the unknown.

We don't talk of it much, instead we try to stay positive and my husband held my hand as I wiped my tears and told me that he will be okay. I know he is just as scared as I am. I know that he wants to comfort me, but doesn't quite know how. Neither of us know what lies ahead. But I am happy we are together. I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side.

Join my Cult!

I am officially part of a cult! We meet twice a week, come excited and leave energized! Its ZUMBA baby!!


I find the dynamics of the group very interesting and enjoy studying everyone there. As everyone comes in they mark their spot. Some are confident and go to the front, others hang back. There are a few men who come, who enjoy the dance and the opportunity to see a room full of women shaking their ass. There are those who have full makeup and hair sprayed, and there are those like me, t-shirt and the occasional spit up running down my back! But all are welcome!

The hour flies by! Just keep moving and grooving is the name of the game!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyWou608KJg

Happy Birthday Walker!

Today is Walker's second birthday. With my older boys I have a tradition of telling them the story of their birth before bed the night before. I realized this morning that I didn't get that chance, so I thought I would blog here about it.

My pregnancy with Walker was planned. Maybe a little too planned. Ramiah and I were married on 12/31 and we began trying in Feb and March. I wanted to try and calculate his birth in between semesters, since I was planning on returning and getting my Masters in the fall. Well, since our family is full of fertile myrtles, I was pregnant sooner that we thought. The pregnancy went well. No major complications just the annoyance of gestational diabetes that I controlled with my diet.

The due date was 11/25/07. I was pretty excited and so was Ramiah. This was his first child and first pregnancy! We marveled at how my body changed, and enjoyed all of it! As the due date came closer I began to be more anxious. I wanted to have a completely natural childbirth and was preparing with Lamaze classes and essential oils.

The week of thanksgiving my doctor told me that she would not let me go much past my due date because of the diabetes. But she was fully aware of my feelings for keeping things natural so i convinced her to let me try my own holistic processes.

On Monday November 26th, I was still pregnant. I was ready to have this baby!!! I went to visit my ob/gyn and convinced her to strip my membranes and then she sent Ramiah and I home with strict instructions for nipple stimulation for an hour. Needless to say Ramiah was quite excited, (me... not so much) On our way home I started feeling some cramps, but decided to follow through with the Dr's orders and maybe get in a nap! The nap never came, because after just a half hour of nipple stimulation I was having contractions!! I got up and put everything in order to go to the hospital but never checked to see the timing of them. By the time my older boys got home from school and left with their dad i thought maybe I should time my contractions. They were 2 mins apart!!!

When we got to the hospital I was very uncomfortable but still determined to trust my Lamaze and oils to help me through it. My mother and sister were also there to support me! I was checked in at 5:30 and Walker was born at 7:35pm!!

Applications being accepted

Applications are currently being accepted for the following position:

Wife

Duties include but are not limited to: able to plan meals, shop and prepare for them, ensure laundry is done, washed and folded, socks matching is optional, get the mail, pay the bills, and know how much money is in the bank account at 3am when I can't sleep, must be able to schedule and attend all doctors, dentist and teacher appointments, should sweep and wash all floors, including behind the toilet even though only the male population in the house messes that up, should be able to walk the dog, clean the cat litter box and replace dead goldfish before the children find out, keep inventory of the pantry, freezer, refrigerator and medicine cabinet, know how to program the tv remote and the coffee maker, remember birthdays and anniversary's and call all relatives including my side of the family, be able to mow the lawn when the children are lost in the back yard, and clean up dog poop, fix the dryer and any other appliance in the house or know the phone number of someone who can.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer, please submit applications to the attention of: I want my own wife, 2620 County Route 1, Port Jerivs, NY 12771

Happy Smoke free to me!

Yesterday was November 15th, and I realized last night, as I was drifting off to sleep that it was the fourth year anniversary of me quitting smoking! Its a big important day for me, and as long as I honor it, I feel that I will never go back to that addiction again!

I must admit that I have quit before. When I was pregnant with Mason I stopped smoking and stayed smoke free until Dylan was a year old. This time, though it was different. I did it for me. I also came to the realization that I am an addict, in every sense of the term! I fooled myself thinking that I could be a social smoker, but the fact is that I am either a non smoker or a full fledge smoking in the shower, smoker. I know nothing else. I cannot limit myself once I start. therefore i plunge quickly back into the pack a day habit. This last time was also different because I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, and when my husband (then boyfriend) realized it, he made a deal with me that if I lasted one year he would pay for my next tattoo. So now I have a constant reminder.

One doesn't fully realize how much cigeretts control your life. I look back now and know that my whole sense of time was based on smoking. While in corporate America I planned my meetings and telephone calls around my smoking breaks. And then while working in the bar, i could time a medium well done hamburger based on the length of smoking a cigerette (don't worry i wasn't smokin gover the grill!) Not only is the habit physically addicting, but mentally too! Every day when I was traveling to New Paltz for my undergrad (i say undergrad because I will go and get my Masters!!), I would pass through Walden and stare up at the clock in the town center. I would know that I had time enough to smoke two more before I got to school. To this day, when I am in Walden, I think about smoking a cigerette. It controls you mind. forever! As caes drive by I notice if the driver is smoking or not and every now and then I crave one. So, I label myself as an addict and know that I can never, ever go back!

Happy smoke free to me!

Frustration on the Hudson

Today was a tough day. My family and I attended a relatives wedding. It was a nice simple occasion. The ceremony and reception were all in one place and it had breathtaking views of the hudson river.

The reason it was tough was because my little guy was miserable the whole time! I should know better by now, you might say. But it is such a hard delima. The wedding took place at 2pm which is smack in the middle of his usual nap time. He doesn't sleep well anywhere else but his own bed. So he napped shortly in the hour car ride there. Then the music and clapping and noise started, which is part of any happy occasion. Unfortunetly, it was just way to much for him! Top it off with his new improved screams and you have one miserable two year old, and one unhappy daddy. Luckily, my husband was able to take him outside and air him out. But it was still upsetting.

Part of me wants to not subject him to these types of events. I know he will hate it, I know that the stimulation is just to much and then to add all the other components into the mix and its a horror. But how will he ever be able to handle these events if he doesn't go? Do I really want to subject him to a life time of isolation? Would this be setting him up for it?

Its so hard. So frustrating, so upsetting. The dj played a Billy Joel song while we were there after I had calmed him down and he was sitting nicely in my lap. It made me cry, "I love you just the way you are".

goop and go

Since I was old enough to decide how I wanted to wear my hair, it has always been a personal statement of my state of mind.
In my high school years, my hair was always about hairspray and curls. Then when I would break up with a boy, I would cut it short. Sort of a testimony to my independence since most men I know always want women to have long hair. The problem is that my hair takes FOREVER to grow!! My mother will tell you! I have had some really crappy hair cuts and they take so long to grow out. I can't count the number of tears I have shed over the years from crappy hair cuts or bad perms!! I've had the bob, off and on in some way or shape for most of my "grown up' life. Well, since my divorce anyways. As I got thinner, I cut my hair. As I became more confident, I cut my hair. I am not one to fuss with it for long, I hate anything that is high maintence. I want to blow dry it, slop some goop in it and go! My hair is also oily so I do have to wash it everyday, otherwise I look like greeser. I have also been know to randomly pick out a box of color dye and just go for it! There was a brief period a short time ago that I was on the quest for the perfect purple highlights, but that failed.

The point is, I am getting itchy for a new do. Luckly, my husband just smiles and tells me "whatever you want dear" knowing that if he bucks me just a little, I will chop all of it off! But, I don't know exactly what i want. I have been trying not to color it, and take the more mature look. (I stopped counting my greys) I even signed up for one of those web sites that you upload your picture in to see what hair style looks good for you, but I wasn't happy with any of them. So as much as I like to state "its just hair" I do obsess over it. Not in the bathroom to make it looks pefect, but in the pre-cut period of deciding what to get. I just want to goop and go.

Space and time

I am not one to whine.. or at least I don't like to think so. I find myself mad at the world and mad at the injustices of being a stay at home mom! This past week has been very difficult. Mr. Mr. was sick and therefore, my days and nights were exhausting. Since he can't communciate effectively, it was a guessing game with each scream. He has learned a few and therefore through trial and error, so have I.

There is the pay attention to me scream, the happy life is good scream, and the new one which can only be explained by the look on his face, which tells me... why aren't you fixing it??? scream.

All of this frustration was felt throughout the house. Not only by him, and by me, but my older children as well. There are times when I really worry about how they are handling it. He is demanding and his new baby sister is too. Was it fair for me to bring another child into the home? I try to carve out one on one time with each of them throughout the day, but its difficult since I can't really tell the younger two, to wait their turn. My husband has even become needier it seems.

I'm just trying to find some time and space for myself, without guilt.

Fingers are crossed.

Yesterday I took my son to see a Homeopathic Doctor. I was mainly looking to get some help and assistance with his diet. Since he was born, he has battled with reflux and constipation. The doctors that have seen him in the past, have just prescribed stool softners and Zantac. As I have been researching different areas in hopes to help him with his developmental delays, I have become more educated with the off the radar medical research that has been going on mainly for children with autism. Although, I don't belive that he has autism, I am not, however, convinced that there isn't anything metobolic going on.

My appointment was in her office, which is located in her home on a quiet country road. Right away I was glad I didn't bring my husband. (He is very sceptical of all doctors!) Her office was warm and inviting. She herself, presented herself well and we met her little dog Annabell.

She tested him for food allergies, by getting out boxes that contained vials, and touching them one at a time and using her intuition. (I am assuming because she really didn't explain it to me) But what she found to be sensitivites, did agree with what I had already thought. Maybe I am just desperate to help him! I don't know. Throughout our session, I was trying to maintain a positive attitude. A few of the things she did, I was sceptical, but there is that part of me that doesn't want to interfer or jinx anything! We left with a list of food avoidances, a protien supplement (which i really wanted) and a detox supplement for mercury. So now I am charting it out and we will see. I am not expecting miracles, I know he will not get up and walk tomorrow, but even if it helps him feel better, than it is worth it!

Halloween itis

I used to be the queen of halloween! I have to say that it is my favorite holiday, if it actually is a holiday! I think it tapes into my dramatic side, the part of me that likes to stand out in a crowd, the innate need I have to be goofy and fun. The last two years were the first years that I actually didn't dress up. It was kinda sad.


Halloweens past: Snow white and the seven dwarfs, a pregnant ladybug, Jackie (a fellow employee at the bar I worked at, complete with water balloon breasts, and fake tattoos), a pumpkin, and the controversial pregnant catholic school girl , (no, i did not wear this to my children's school parade!)









With all that has been going on this week, i just wasn't in the spirit. I had a costume for Mr. Mr. but not one for Miss. Poo. My older boys were going with their father so what did it really matter? Except this morning I woke up, and as the witching hour came closer I decieded to at least dress them up and take a few pictures, and heck, why not? go to the parade.... except the parade was inside, and it was loud and hot. Mr. Mr. doesn't like loud, doesn't like hot.






But at least i got some cute pictures!

My virtual solace

Since becoming a SAHM, my world has grown significantly smaller. I am, by nature, a social person. Each job I have had before involved people and communication. I am not someone who can sit in a cubicle and produce and be happy. My choice to stay home has evolved, and even though I have had many side endevours, being a mom is now my full time job.

I love my job, don't get me wrong. I couldn't imagine going back to work full time, getting up by 6 am to pack up two kids and get to some place on time. I did it once upon another life, but now, I couldn't imagine. Getting out of the house takes me 45 minutes, and forget being anywhere on time! I could also not imagine handing my children over to someone else. I believe I am very spoiled in many ways.

The hardest part of my job, though is the isolation that I often feel. Today, as very personal circumstances were unfolding I felt the urge to share with my online world. Some people may scoff at broadcasting such private and personal issues, but my online world has become my social network. Posting my "status" and reading others is my water cooler. Looking through on line albums, and playing scramble, is my break room.

Although, I am fully aware of the virtual world that i socialize in these days, it is a great escape from my reality, in small clips of time; in between feedings, diaper changes, homework and dinner.

I am greatful for this world.
I am greatful to share my world virtually.

I wish I could be

I wish I could be that kind of mom,
the kind who has fresh baked cookies out of the oven for my children when they get off the bus
the kind who organizes "game night" and the whole family plays
the kind who is patient and says "accidents happen" when my 8 year old drops the gallon of milk,
the kind who sneaks into their rooms, just to see them sleeping,
the kind who lets then join every activity they want, and car pools with other parents to get them where they need to be,
the kind who volunteers to bring in apple feast refreshments, and stays to hand them out to the children,
the kind who knows exaclty what to say when my 11 year old, is frustrated with homework,
the kind who can hold and rock her teething child for three hours at night,
the kind who never has laundry piled high on the washing machine,
the kind who routinely washes her floors,
the kind stands at the bus stop every morning, just to get the last kiss goodbye.

Instead, I am
the kind the buys prepared cookie dough, and eats it after they go to bed
the kind who bargains for chores with hands of rumy
the kind that makes the eight year old clean up his mess and reminds him that it was too heavy
the kind who crawls into bed and prays no one hears the creaking
the kind who limits their activities to outdoor play and homework, instead of driving myself crazy
the kind who sends in cash to the room parent so that he/she can buy what they need for the party,
the kind who keeps trying different homework tactics, to eliminate the meltdowns,
the kind who gives her teething child, tylenol and and ambasol and waits until he passes out
the kind who never seems to get the clean laundry back into the dressers
the kind who lets her dogs be clean up the floor instead of washing them,
the kind who sends the kids out to the bus stop ten minutes early, just to get a few minutes of peace and quiet before the others get up.

More than I can handle

Yesterday we attended a birthday party for a two year old of some friends we hadn't seen in a long while. Since both of our sons were born around the same time, it was exciting to see them again. We were the only other couple there with small children, and the party was more a Pig Roast than toddlers birthday. As the birthday boy was opening presents my husband and I sat and watched with the rest of the family. I had Sawyer and my husband was holding Walker. We got the usual stares, the stares that say... hmm exactly how old is that kid? and why isn't he running around?, so we found ourselves explaining about his developemental delays. Everyone seems accepting and went about thier conversations and excitement for the birthday boy. When my husband went to get something to eat, I took Walker and we sat on the floor and watched the birthday boy push around his new tractors and trucks. An older woman asked if she could take Walker and she talked sweetly to him. Through our conversation she made a remark that struck me as odd "God gives you only what you can handle". I have heard this statement before, in fact, I remember putting it in a card I sent to an old school friend who's daughter was born severly disabled. But never really thought how absurd it was. At the time, it seems like an encouraging thought, but what did it really mean? What did it really mean to me, at the time, not able to even comprehend what it was that God was giving her to handle? And here I am, now being given the same statement/advice. Why do strangers, friends, relatives... people who really have no clue about your feelings, your situation, the true inside, deep, dark emotions... feel that this should be encouraging?

I've read the books, I know the grief cycle that I am going through in my journey with Walker, but is it really that simple? At what point can i say, "okay, now I am on to the anger part" and who exaclty would i be angry with??? My spiritual beleifs are not concrete enough for me to be angry at God. I'm not even so sure there is one, one entity persay. So therefore, I really don't believe the whole "not more than I can handle".

I wish I could take back that card. I wish I could apologize for even trying to think that I could offer some insight, or pretend that i could even have a clue!!

P.s. IT IS okay if it is "more than I can handle!!

Decisions, decisions....

This week Ramiah and I took Walker and Sawyer down to Helen Hayes to have Mr. Mr. measured for some type of stroller, chair system. What a huge web it is to untangle through this system of Medicaid and what we need or may need for him in the future! I am looking for some sort of stroller that will support him, allow him to recline, something we can take into a resturant or to my mother's house so that Walker can be part of the dinner table. Many of the strollers out on the market for "special need" kids, are ridiculously expensive!! The gentleman that met with us there was a very odd duck. Ramiah and I couldn't figure out if he hates his job or if many people come down there then don't pick up the equipment??? Not really sure what his deal was, but he did show us several options and will try and get some samples. The major problem I am having is that i need a double system so that I don't have Sawyer and him in two seperate strollers, but I also need something to use for just him when she is not in a stroller. It is such a huge decision and I want to make the right one!! I also want to be sure to use our resources correctly and efficiently. So I have been searching the internet and printing out all types of things. The bottom line though is, that Medicaid may not cover it anyways... urghh!

Help Wanted

I have these days when I am so motivated to do everything! From cooking a really great meal, to cleaning, to paying bills, to spending serious quality time with the kids. Then life happens.... I need to give myself a break. I wish I could be one of those super organized people who have a schedule for their day. Do SAHM really do that? If so, I need help! Can I hire someone to assist me in this?

Ghost of the past

A fellow blogger posted a blog concerning her friend who commited suicide. This stirred up some emotions that I thought had long since past. four years ago, my brother in law committed suicide. Our society makes it taboo to talk about, because it is seen as weak, or selfish. Maybe in some ways it is, since he left three beautiful children behind, never getting to see them grow, never giving them answers. I talk about their dad a lot. I miss him terribly! Never having a brother he was my savior. He came to my rescue many times: fixed a flat, helped me buy a car and acted as my muscle man while moving my stuff out of ex-boyfriends apartments. He was goofy and fun. Everytime I see a Wil Smith movie I think of him! My children will never get to meet him, they will only know of him as something not to bring up. A ghost in the past. Suicide is not fair! Not fair to the living. I can only hope that he found what he was looking for!

Her journey

I was recently asked if I wanted to live as long as my grandmother. She will be turning 93 this year in December. I responded that Yes I would, as long as I could live life as she has.

Up until the last few weeks, she had been active, shopping, socializing and enjoying herself. Now all that has changed. It has made me really think if I would actually like to live that long.

She was born in 1916, and what an amazing journey she has had! I think of all the things she has seen the world go through! World Wars, presdents, scandals, recessions... I can't even imagine! Sure I read about it throughout my college years, but to actually live it is another story!

Yet, now here she is, at the end of of her journey.

I wonder if the end is ever good, no matter how long its been. I want to believe that this is just the layover and the next journey will be even greater. Yet, I waver, not trully sure what to believe, not sure what to expect. So I guess the answer to the original question is Yes, because it just may take me 93 years to figure it all out!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Another year and I still get dissappointed. One would think by now I would be over it! I expect it, but that doesn't soften the blow. I'm done explaining it, I'm done pretending I'm fine with it. But the question now is, what can i do about it anyways? I cried and then I bought my own damm flowers. I thought about dumping my kids off and running away. Pumping breast milk and saying "see ya". I do have the ATM card!! No one could trace me, just go and find a nice hotel with room service.... close the shades. order a pay per view movie and sleep!! Now that would be a great birthday!!! Delusional I know! Eventually I would have to come home, and no one would be happy with me!! So, here I sit, feeling sorry for myself.... I'm not looking for condolences, heck, only a couple of people read this anyways!!! LOL! Just venting....

you would cry to, if it happened to you!

The chore war

I know that it is my job as a parent to instill responsibility, and feelings of community with my children, but the chore war has me exhausted! We have a simple system that separates the chores by week A and week B, which alternates. These weeks are labeled clearly on the calendar. We also have a check list. This came about because my middle guy would fight and argue that things were done when they weren't. As we have been working these chores for over a year now, there is still fighting and whining about them! I have had to make another rule that no tv, or playing outside is allowed until they are done. My oldest has figured this out. Most mornings he will do some of them if not all of them, just to get it over with! The other guy finds more excuses and arguments about why he can't get them done. Then he will be distracted and it takes him five times longer to accomplish what can be done in 20 minutes. Now the new argument is that the list is not fair, that one week is harder than the other (inevitably its always the week that he has currently) so I told them to sit down and divide the chores how they see fit. Then come back to me with a new chart... this has yet to be done. Most days it seems that the chore wars are much more exhausting than just doing them myself!! Because, as I am informed regularly, they are the only kids who have to do chores!!! Well, I have never been a follower... sorry kids. :O)

Help me please!!

I am not sure who may actually read my blog, but I think that I am in need of serious help. You see my blog is boring.... I am not talking about the text (although it may apply to that as well) but the layout, the colors, the lack of depth!! I follow several other blogs and they have such an awesome page!! Links, feeds, imaginative pictures and my page.... appears to have lack of substance... so I am calling out to anyone who may actually read this "Help me Please!!"

Its just not the same

I've always been sort of a self help junkie, or someone who really learned that a good support group or therapist can make a huge difference! In high school I was part of a COA group (children of alcoholics) where people actually listened to my complaints and stories about my home life. As I got older, I would bounce in and out of Al anon meetings, in between boyfriends. Then finally on the verge of a complete breakdown I found "the one". Her name was Ruth and I don't know if she was spiritually linked to me or if i just needed her so badly that it fit. She saw me through a divorce, a total re direction with my career and countless other self realizations... that is until my insurance ran out! Now, 6 years later I am recongnizing those signs within myself that tell me I need to find another Ruth (cause the original practices all the way in new paltz!) But the main issue is when, in my crazy life could I possibly find time to go and see a therapist??? Do they make house calls? When I mentioned this to my husband he offered his services. As sweet as that was, I had to be careful not to put him off entirely. But its just not quite the same thing. I tried to make light of it, that he's never home and would he really want to spend what time he is, listening to me whine?? Finally, out of desperation (and sarcasm) I just told him that I can't very well complain about him, to him!

Maybe its the baby blues talking

Five days ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I wasn't sure what was more surprising, that she was a girl, or that she had a head full of dark hair!! Either way, it took a few days to sink in and now as I get to go through pink and purple clothes. This is how the other half lives??? Yet, in order to store the new ones coming through the door I set out for the task of dividing out the boys clothes that I had kept and finding them new homes. Part of me, however, is a little skeptical. Yes, you heard me, skeptical. I know, I know, this new baby is #4 for me, however, she is only #2 for my husband, the love of my life. Our first child is a boy, and he is warm, affectionate and a comedian. Never mind that he doesn't talk, or crawl or sit up. He is entertaining and loves life!! But the fact is that this may be all he ever is, and now with a daughter, my husband may never get that feeling of going fishing with his "son" or shooting that first deer together. Sure there is no doubt that his daughter will more than plenty make up for it, and I don't even know if he would miss it, but there is that little part of me, that wants that for him! That, wants to be able to give that to him. I guess its just the baby blues talking....