Living with the Grinch

About three years ago Christmas truly lost its magic for me. I guess that is because I moved in with the Grinch! Yes, he is big, furry and green.... most days anyway! I understand that its not his thing. How do you get someone excited about the magic of Christmas who never had Christmas? Let's face it. As parents and adults, our excitement is guided by the wonderful memories of children. The hopes and dreams of what could be under that Christmas tree! Anything was possible, as long as you were good! So for someone who never had that excitement as a child, all he sees is the greediness and waste of Christmas. I guess this is beginning to wear off on me. I am no longer excited to get up Christmas morning and open my presents.. (he does purchase things for me, but its just not the same!) I even have little patience for my children's wanting and wishing... even though they are just being kids, kids at christmas! So this year, when my middle guy was in tears because he would rather be with his father christmas morning, i said Okay. It actually will make more sense for everyone. Their father is a big kid anyways. They get up at 4 in the morning to open presents and then all sit around until they pass out amongst the rubble. Of course, that is much more fun! Does that make me a bad mom or a bad Christian? I just have accepted that my other children will never really, truly enjoy Christmas they way that I remember it to have been. Sad? maybe a little. But hey, doesn't the Grinch eventually bring back the Christmas tree?

Rollercoaster night

6pm - Buy tickets for the roller coaster ride "Waiting for the husband" - stand in line for the ride... Yeah! I meet the height requirements!
6:30 - tell the boys to only set the table for three place settings... looks like he's working late
7pm- get in the very first car and click in the seat belt... check to be sure its nice and tight. avoid direct eye contact with the dingy carnie operating the ride
7:30 - bake cookies, so that they are warm and fresh when he gets home
8:00 - a steady incline up the first hill...while thinking... how long does it actually take to deliver wood?
8;30 - children are brushing their teeth.... house will soon be quiet... yeeee....down the hill we go! maybe I'll have a glass of wine and put on something sexy....
9:00 - hmm those cookies look good, i guess i'll have few while i wait
9:30 - ok, now i am pissed! heading up this incline of a ride... yet again!! check cell phone to insure that i didn't miss the call or text
10:00 - all out mad!! but screw this.. i'm going to bed.. my stomach doesn't feel so good.
10:05 - lay in bed and hit all the up and down little hills of this ride...
jerk!, what if he is in the ditch?, how inconsiderate of him not to call, it's a little icy out there... he would have at least responded to my texts by now. must be nice to do as you please!, what if he got pulled over and in jail? I must not be all that important anymore! Wouldn't you feel like crap if something is actually wrong?

10:08 - call his cell phone, it goes to voice mail..up the hill i go
10:09 - call his brothers phone... man! why am i doing this?
10:10 - friend calls, to say that he is okay, and that they saw me call.... asks if i want to talk to him
Tell him, no, if he wanted to talk to me, he would have called.
10:11 - PIssed off at self for having worried and then called
10:15 - Get off of ride.......

If I were your son

If I were your son, would you have taught me how to drive?
would you have shown me how to change a tire or check my oil?
If I were your son, would you have shown me how to tie my line?
would you have let me come on one of your many fishing trips?
If I were your son, would you buy me a beer?
would you play me in pool and think it was fair competition?
If I were your son, would you sit down and talk politics
would you listen to my ideas and not think my views as frivolous?
If I were your son, would you ask me about my day?
would you remember where i worked and what i did for a paycheck?
If I were your son, would you invite me for a round of golf?
would you show me how to drive and work on my swing?
If I were your son, would you tell me your are proud?
would you pat me on the shoulder and smile?
would you tell me that you love me?
would you know who i really was?
would you reconginize yourself in me?
would you understand how important you are to me?
how much I want a relationship with you
how eager i am to please you after all these years?
If I were your son, I wouldn't be your daughter.

Diary of a chicken killer

7am - Darn it! Another day tied to this rope!! Why do they do this to me? Back and forth, back and forth, I need more space, more ground to cover! OOOh..what is that? what's over there? something is in the trees... hmm.. I will sit very still and watch!

10am - There is something under here I just know it! I'll dig and dig... muddy paws.. who cares! there is some treasure hiding here I tell you! I'll just keep digging....

10:45 - Oh, i saw her walk by the back window. Did she forget about me? Its nice and warm in there. I want to be sleeping on the couch... maybe if I look really cute and whine she'll come out and get me!

10:47 - Hey! Hey! I'm whining here! I want to me inside.... let me see how far this lead will stretch.. ouch.. my throat hurts.. Hey! Hey!

10:53 - Ohhh good, she didn't forget about me! Muddy paws? who cares, the chair is empty! Heaven!!

4:00 - The kids are coming, the kids are coming! Which window do i look out of?

6:00pm - Dinner is served! Okay, no table scraps? I'll just lie here under the table.... oh, she is grabbing my bowl... please,please please, let it be mashed pototoes or some of that steak he cooked on the grill!! Darn, dry food..... I'll just pretend it tastes like chicken!

Mom by day... tooth fairy by night

As my children get older, some things of childhood fantasies are becoming harder and harder to hold on to.

3am
Wife - "Babe!, Babe! Wake up, please go give Danny a dollar for his tooth that is under his pillow"
Husband - (Barely awake) "I don't have a dollar, maybe a few quarters!"
Wife- "That's fine just don't forget to grab the tooth!"

(Husband gets up with sigh, returns from child's room laughing)
Husband- "The gig is up! As I slid my hand carefully under his pillow, Danny's eyes opened and he stared right at me!"
Wife -" Oh great, well, maybe he didn't know what was going on. Let's wait to see"

8am
(Wife goes down stairs where Danny and husband are sitting at table eating breakfast)
Danny - "Give me back my tooth!"
Husband - "I don't have your tooth"
Danny - "yes, you do! I saw you take it!"
Wife - "what's going on?"
Danny - "he took my tooth and won't give it back!"
Wife - "how do you know he took it"
Danny - "Cause I heard his knee crack and opened my eyes and he was there!"
Wife - (thinking maybe the time has come when Danny has figured out the truth, envisioning Christmas and Easter now forever changed) "Why would he take your tooth, danny?"
Danny - "Cause he is mean and doesn't want me to get the money from the tooth fairy" (Danny is now in tears)
Wife - (decieding that it is worse for him to think his step father is mean, than to have the tooth fairy dream shattered. so she take a deep breath) "I asked him to take the tooth, danny."
Danny - "But why?"
Wife -"Because I am the tooth fairy"
Danny - "You are??? How many teeth do you have?"

tap..tap... is this thing on????

"Did I tell you that little Emma is now potty trained at 18 months old! No accidents either!"

~Oh, that is great! Mickey just learned to grab onto my shirt while breast feeding! yes, he will be a year next moth!"

"Oh, how nice! Emma puts on her own shirts!"


"How did Mickey make out at the doctors?"

~ Okay, we still don't have any answers and they took a gallon of blood from him and had to stick the needle in three different spots to get enough blood!

"Wow, that is just like the time Terry got the chicken pox vaccine!"


"How is Mickey doing with all his therepists?"

~He's doing good, he is going to have two more soon. One for occupational therepy and another for speach.

"More therepists??? Doesn't he have enough already?"

~ Not really, I would have them here 24hrs a day if that meant he would get the help he needs!

"Lisa has a busy schedule too, with Gymberee classes, library visits and play dates with all the other moms from our "little readers" group! "

Because I have a vagina

Because I have a vagina, I couldn't possibly know what time it is
Because I have a vagina, my children aren't important to me
Because I have a vagina, I need you to remind me to wash my children's clothes
Because I have a vagina, I don't know how much gas costs
Because I have a vagina, I don't know the difference between baseball cleats and soccer ones
Because I have a vagina, I don't have a clue
Because I have a vagina, I owe you everything
Because I have a vagina, I won't get your respect.