Work for the Soul

I have been back to work for almost a month now, and I must say it is so good for my soul!  Three years ago I stopped working and concentrated on being a mother to  my very special son.  I didn't know at the time just how special he was, I just knew that I couldn't comprehend leaving him in the hands of anyone else. But I'm not really good at my job as a stay at home mom  Its hard to be, when you feel like its a prison sentence.  People don't understand that its has nothing to do with my love of my children, husband or home.  It has everything to do with my love for me. I am not trivializing the women that adore their job as mom, honestly, I just don't think i cut the mustard.  So with my lack of self confidence as a provider for them full time, I need outside confirmation of my worth.  I also just love to interact with the general public and take away those experiences to make me a better mom.  The store that I am working at has a very ecliptic merchadise line and so are is the clientele.  Its amazing to me how comfortable people feel when they walk through our doors and share their lives with us.  Although my home life is not a big secret, I chose not to share that I have a special needs child often because I don't want that to be my definition. Yet, I can't help but be shaped by it and those that I meet.

Two weeks ago a women came to the store in search of Bob Marley things.  She was looking for her adult son who has autism.  She was so proud to talk about a TV show called The World of Jenks.The show featured her son and what its like to live with autism.  I wrote down the name and went home and DVR'd it.  What impressed me was how open and honest she was with us by telling us how uncomfortable she initially was with having a TV crew in her apartment and how worried she was about how her son would react.  Later that week I was able to see the episode and it was great! 

A week ago I met a woman in the store that was shopping for her daughter. She was enjoying Sawyer's antics around the store, touching all the jewelry and pulling things off the shelves.  We got talking about her life as a single mom and I was really feeling like I could relate to her.  She went on to tell me about her ex husband and how he now has remarried and has a son with CP.  She told me that the boy was really sweet but for her ex, what goes around comes around.  I wasn't mad, I just took in the information and let it settle.  It really has settled in!  I have been mulling this over in my head for the past week, wondering if there are many people that think this?  Do people truly believe that when a child with special needs is born, its because of some karmic force affecting the parents? then I realized, of course they do!  Parents who have special needs children think about this as well!  I honestly have wondered if there was something in my life or past lives that triggered this outcome for him. I know in my head that this is not the case, but emotions can run high when it comes to matters of the heart. 

Yesterday I had a father and son come in looking to get tie-dye t-shirts for their friends overseas.  The father was in his 60's and the son was in his 40's.  As we went through the racks the son hung back and just looked around the store.  After selecting the shirts that he wanted, the father handed them to his son and said please hold.  His son replied "please hold, please hold".  I then recognized that he was mentally retarded. After they left, I couldn't stop thinking about him and wondering if one day that could be Walker.  I would love to be able to take him shopping and have him pick out his own tie-dye shirt!

The atmosphere in the store is one of tolerance and compassion.  I take my home to work and my work home. Its a great fit and it feeds my soul.

To wean or not to wean... that is the question.

Miss Poo and I have come to a cross road, in which I am not sure what direction to turn.  For all four of my children, I have nursed them until they weaned themselves.  Each child was different.  Mason nursed until he was a year old, and then as a first time mother, I was worried about him taking a sippy cup and meeting text book milestones that soon enough he preferred the independence of a cup.  Dylan only nursed until five or six months.  For him, I felt that there were many components of why he stopped earlier which included, my own personal feelings about nursing at the time.  So at 6 months he was on formula and is still a well adjusted healthy kid!  Walker nursed until 15 months when my milk supply shifted due to pregnancy.  So now I am not exactly sure how to go about weaning Sawyer.

Its not that I am tired of nursing her.  I do enjoy the comfort of us sitting together and being able hold her and feel her warmth against my skin.  I am also pretty lazy.  It is food on the go, in which I don't have to pack or plan for.  She lives on a diet of yogurt, cheese, puffs and breast milk.  (sometimes an occasional fruit too) so I do have a large concern about what nutrients she will eat after weaning.

The other issue is that I am a big push over.  When she is clingy and tired, I just want to comfort her in the best way I know how... to nurse her.

This weekend she really put me to the test with a bite that was so hard I cried.  I was afraid to see the damage, envisioning my nipple bleeding and hanging by a thread.  Luckily that wasn't the case but I swore off then that she was done... until of course later that evening. Each day this has been the case.  She will nurse and be happy and content and go on her merry way, and then the next time, when my guard is down she will ambush me with a nip to the tit.  The cycle continues.

I don't know how exactly to go about this without packing her up and sending her to grandma's for the weekend! My husband is not necessarily on board since that would mean that they milk supply that he so longingly asks for will be dried up.  (I could write a whole other blog on man's obsession with breast milk!) I guess we will just take it one day at a time, and when enough is enough I guess I just won't care!  I will deal with the tears and have to walk away. 

Me unplugged

For two weeks I have had no cell phone service.  Actually, I've had service, just not a working phone.  I took it to my local store and they suggested I buy a new battery, but of course the phone I had, they no longer make so they had to order me one from some distant warehouse.  When that finally arrived, it didn't help, so then I tried a new charger, again, to no avail.  So finally I relented and purchased a new phone. 

The first few days without it I felt lost and disconnected.  As I was driving I thought I could hear the little ring of my text messages coming in, then would realize that it couldn't be.  After a few more days, I actually started wearing my watch. It had been months since I wore it since I always had my phone to tell me the time.  Then by the end of the week I was feeling pretty liberated!  I could run errands and not be afraid to check my messages.  I even left my husband home with both kids and went to work for an eight hour shift and knew that if it was a REAL emergency he would call the store.  It was nice!

So, now I am back connected.  I have promised myself that I will keep my phone in my purse until I need it, and that I will not use it while driving. (no Oprah campaign here though) But i must admit, it is a pretty jazzy color of purple!

You are my sunshine!

For the past 15 years there has been one staple to my ever changing wardrobe.  My sizes may change but I have always had my own unique style. The one place that I have always been able to find something that suits my taste is Sunshine Studios.  I was always a frequent customer, not escaping without a good purchase and my free incense!  Shortly after we had gotten intervention help with Walker, I was shopping in the store one day and was talking with the owner Claudine. As a natural people person, she has always made the store feel warm and inviting.  Through our conversation I divulged that my son had special needs and we were in the beginning of dealing with it.  This was my first "public" confession and I was in a place of feeling alone and overwhelmed. To my surprise she told me that she was also dealing with early intervention with her son.  It amazed me that in the middle of shopping I could find someone who knew what I was going through!  It was huge relief to not feel so alone! From that point on a friendship grew.

Its been three years since I have had any real type of employment.   After Walker's birth it just was to hard to figure out how to make money and give him the attention that he needed.  Shortly after along came Sawyer and although I have struggled personally with being a stay at home mom, there has become a certain level of comfort here.  The mere thought of getting back out into the work place makes me nervous, it invokes feelings of uncertainty and low self esteem.

But as karma would have it, last week happened!  After I invited Claudine and her two boys to the park, she had to decline because she was having staffing issues at the store.  I offered up my assistance because I know what its like being a stay at home mom and juggling two very active boys! She offered me a job working in her store and I JUMPED at the chance!  I am in heaven!  My favorite place to shop, and I get out of the house and feel productive! I am so excited!!

When i grow up...

• I want to be a teacher, so that I can decorate the boards and my classroom with fun things with childrens names on them!

• I want to see the Grand Cayon
• I want to go sky diving
• I want to be a family counsler
• I want to be a domestic abuse advocator
• I want to have chickens and pigs
• I want to learn how to salsa

• I want to be in a production on stage
• I want to go on a meditation weekend
• I want to visit Greece
• I want to publish a childrens book
• I want to take a cooking class
• I want to hike the appalachian trail

• I want to have my own retail store and sell cool jewelry and clothes, both vintage and new
• I want to drive a VW convertible bug (yellow preferred!)

• I want to have an old wooden board swing, and sit on it and drink homemade lemonade
• I want to run in a half marathon
• I want to stomp grapes in barrel to make wine
• I want to watch a roller derby game
• I want to see Alaska
• I want to learn how to make cheese cake, (not because I like it but because my husband does!)

Back to school....

"it's the most wonderful time of the year!" envision the commercial where the usual Christmas tune is in the back ground of parents swinging grocery carts around the aisle and instead of toys their carts are full of notebooks and pencils.  Yes, it's back to school!!!!

I had three children to get up and get ready to return to school  It never fails, the first week of school is always a scorching 90some odd degrees!  Mason headed out to the bus stop at 6:45am.  Dylan and I were granted the privilege of walking him to the stop but were not given permission to stay and wait it out!  I was not allowed to take any pictures nor kiss him good bye.  Middle school is serious business!

Next out the door was Walker.  He had only had two weeks off so this wasn't so traumatic for him!  He was very excited and ate all of his breakfast and was singing away! All of us, Poo, Daddy, Dylan and I walked him up to the bus stop and watched  him get on.  We even sent him without his binky which is a HUGE deal!! His notebook said he had a great day and even worked on an apple project.

Poo and I drove Dylan in to school and walked him into his classroom.  He was very anxious to get there and had been up since 5:30am when his brother got up to get ready. He was so happy to meet his teacher and stay in the Minisink school where he knew most of his classmates!



As for Poo, she wasn't to sure about everyone leaving and was a little sad.  Time with mommy hasn't really sunk in since we spent most of the day running errands and doing things that we have never been able to do, just her and I! Here she is playing peek a boo, popping up from the floor while we wait to get Walker off the bus.

Bitter sweet

Yesterday my father signed off on the sale of his business.  It was never a "family" business but it certainly was a family affair.  After almost 15 years, the local pub will now belong to someone other than my dad.  It has so many emotions tied up with it for me, that it truly is bitter sweet. 

At age 21, I begged my father for a job bar-tending.  It took some convincing since he and I hadn't always had the best relationship.  He finally agreed to give me a shot and I was determined to be the best employee he had!  There was something about working for my dad that made me want to impress him the most.  Growing up we both dealt with each other on a "business like" level. I knew that working for him, would not afford me any type of extra privilege, in fact, it just meant that I would have to work that much harder for his approval.  After a year or so of working for him, I moved on to a marriage and children.  I had spent my fair share of Sunday afternoons inside a dark and smokey bar.

Years later I had reached a cross road in my life and wanted to taste the night life that I was sure I missed out on.  I ended up in the one place that I felt was somewhat safe and comfortable to unwind. As my future career plans shifted I once again found myself asking my father for a job.

For three years I lived a double life.  Mother and full time student during the week, and party till early morning girl on the weekends.  Large amounts of cigarettes and alcohol were consumed but it also supported me and my two children so I could return to college and get my BA degree.  I met my husband there and many great people.  I also have seen the dark side of many others, and the hours and drama associated with alcohol really began to take a toll on me.  Add in the emotional component of working for ones family and I was soon burnt out.

Its been a few years since I have been a regular back there.  I've saved my visits for a few occasions in which I thought it was my family obligation to attend. When people asked why I didn't buy the business from my dad or how come he was selling it, my only answer is "its a tough business".  There are not enough words to explain how the atmosphere can suck you in and change who you are or who you want to be.

Looking back my emotions are bitter sweet.  I am raising a toast to a place that gave me my new life and reminds me of how far I have come.  I am thankful for its place in my history and happy that it is where it will stay.  "cheers to the Back Track"  and I will finish my cup coffee now.